For this issue of POSSESSED, we went to a lot of effort trying to incorporate the Punk theme into Your Running Stars. First, we broke out the Ouija board and contacted the spirit of Sid Vicious to ask if he could come up with some astro-bullshit for us. Unfortunately, he was already helping someone cleanse and recharge their crystals. ‘Sorry,’ he said, ‘I’m stuck with this godawful bird named Sage, sorting out her fuckin’ moonstones—have you tried Darby?’ We tried Darby Crash, but he was also busy. ‘I’d love to help with this issue’s Running Stars,’ he said from beyond the grave, ‘but I’m weaving dreamcatchers and teaching Dolphin Telepathy at the Eureka Springs YMCA. Have you tried Johnny Thunders?’ And on it went.
In the end, we decided to just do it ourselves, pairing random punk tunes with every astrological sign and making it up as we went along. Surprisingly, it turned out really ridiculous!
Aries: ‘Police on My Back’ by The Clash
(March 21 - April 19)
Aries, you’ve been running down the railway track, trying to find the speed that you lack. It’s like you’ve got the police on your back! Which you do. You’ve been shoplifting from Fleet Feet again. Get help, for Chrissake. You’re 36.
Taurus: ‘I Wanna Be Sedated’ by Ramones
(April 20 - May 20)
20-20-24 hours to go—you want to be sedated. Unfortunately, sedation will not help you. The pain you are experiencing is called three cracked ribs from tripping and landing on a massive rock. The good news is it will only take eight weeks to heal, so you won’t get to DNF at Cocodona.
Gemini: ‘Dog Bite’ by Dead Kennedys
(May 21 - June 20)
That dog at the end of your street will continue to try and bite you on your morning runs, dear Gemini, and when he succeeds, you will have a ‘dog bite on your leg,’ which is ‘not right’ because, as we all know, he is ‘supposed to beg.’ Start running with kibble.
Cancer: ‘You Can't Put Your Arms Around a Memory’
by Johnny Thunders
(June 21 - July 22)
Probably shouldn’t have picked this Johnny Thunders song because it has nothing in the lyrics that can be twisted into a running metaphor. However, The Heartbreakers did release a studio album called L.A.M.F., and that’s exactly how you should run: Like A Major Fastboiiii.
Leo: ‘Hurry Up Harry’ by Sham 69
(July 23 - August 22)
‘Hurry Up Harry’ is a song about going to the pub, but don’t duck into a pub at this year’s London Marathon and then catch a bus like Joe Strummer did (allegedly). There are cameras everywhere these days and you don’t have the charisma to get away with it.
Virgo: ‘Manimal’ by Germs
(August 23 - September 22)
Virgo! This song has the opening line, ‘Came into this world like a puzzled panther,’ which kinda describes you perfectly: you’re skittish like a cat and often deeply confused. But if you stop doing whippets, there’s a really good chance you will qualify for Western States next year.
Libra: ‘Rebel Girl’ by Bikini Kill
(September 23 - October 22)
Like the girl in Bikini Kill’s ‘Rebel Girl’, you also think you are the queen of the neighborhood, and I got good news for you, Libra—you are. You’re the best, and so are the motivational running vids you put on TikTok. Not insufferable at all.
Scorpio: ‘I Am A Poseur’ by X-Ray Spex
(October 23 - November 21)
‘I am a poseur and I don’t care, I like to make people stare.’ X-Ray Spex wrote this song with you in mind, didn’t they. You are a bit of a poseur. Running 5Ks with your shirt off in October? Come on, Corey, you know you are.
Sagittarius: ‘No Feelings’ by Sex Pistols
(November 22 - December 21)
‘I got no emotions for anybody else/You better understand/I'm in love with myself.’ So sang Johnny Rotten in this song about being an asshole. This doesn’t pertain to you, Sagittarius, but you will pinch a spinal nerve and have no feelings in your left foot.
Capricorn: ‘Out of Step’ by Minor Threat
(December 22 - January 19)
When Ian MacKaye sang, ‘I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t fuck,’ he was describing the straightedge lifestyle, but also your life as a runner: you’ve renounced cigarettes, drugs, and alcohol for the sake of athletic excellence. But you didn’t have to forswear sex—that just happened.
Aquarius: ‘Spellbound’ by Siouxsie and the Banshees
(January 20 - February 18)
Pretty sure this song is about witchcraft or possibly demonic possession, which is funny, Aquarius, because this month, you will be possessed by the spirit of Steve Prefontaine! The curse will only be lifted when you locate 12 of his baby teeth and burry them with Lemmy.
Pisces: ‘Aint It Fun’ by Dead Boys
(February 19 - March 20)
Pisces, this song by the Dead Boys is your anthem. Listen to this: ‘Ain’t it fun when you’re always on the run?’ Right? That’s totally you! ‘Ain’t it fun when your friends despise what you’ve become?’ This is also totally you, but you got new friends now on Strava now, so fuck ‘em.
