Michael Versteeg Colorado Trail FKT Announcement
On September 8th, Satisfy Pro Michael Versteeg will attempt the FKT — 'Fastest Known Time' — on the Colorado Trail: East to West, Collegiate West. Most record attempts through the Collegiate peaks are done via Collegiate East because it's at lower elevation, more forested and less exposed, minimizing any potential weather-related interferences. As such, there is only one FKT via Collegiate West, as it's more rigorous and less predictable.
The current record for the 500 mile distance is 8 days, 20 hours, and 9 minutes.
Versteeg sent the following message to announce his attempt:
Randy is an undesirable. He is inherently lazy and lacks basic self-hygiene. While not known for much, the 3-day-old dried donut frosting in his scraggly mustache is unmistakable. Randy is an outcast. He always says the wrong thing. He is awkward and has been labeled a pessimist by the godlovers. He is honest and lacks superlative. He is a lousy capitalist who doesn’t know what America is. He is shunned by his peers and his community for not taking sides. He is guilty of one of the worst sins imaginable in American society: he doubts. Randy is a critical thinker and a skeptic. Randy is doomed.
But Randy has found success. Years ago, Randy began wandering the wastelands of the West. Randy created a profile on the social media photo-sharing platform Narcigasm and can now convince his followers that he is respectable. He can alter and stage these photos to seem better than reality. Randy’s vagrancy is now acceptable. Randy’s nihilism admired.
Randy began marketing and packaging his exploits into ready-to-digest adventure nuggets. He started with the not-so-admired SKT — or ‘Slowest Known Time’ — phenomena of the early 1940s Bohemian Libertarians of Gallup, NM. Randy ran Rim-to-Rim-to-Rim in 6 months. Randy ran the John Muir Trail in 3 years and 28 days. Randy ran the 830 miles of the desolate and indistinguishable Arizona Trail in 43 years non-stop. Randy was a goddamn hero.
Then came the great war which, as they say, ruined everything. Randy argued it was the bombdroppers. Randy realized that while his SKTs were admirable, and superior in almost every way to going fast, they lacked the certain capitalistic consumer-driven punch required to keep people’s attention, especially on Narcigasm. Randy realized that it didn’t matter what ‘-est’ was suffixed to his stories, just that it was there. Randy needed to go fast. And although Randy wasn’t fast, he realized that in the same way he manipulated his stories and photos with filters and staged photos on the ‘gasm, he could likewise add enough qualifiers to his feats to garner attention. His Fastest-Known-Covidladen-Keto-Queer-Unsupported-Clockwise-30-32agegroup-Donutfree-Time in the Spring on the handlebars of a single-speed on the previously undescribed, uninterested, and undesirable route of no consequence or significance, ‘The Penis Crucible Loop,’ received wide acclaim from both friend and foe. Randy shocked the world when he followed that up only three months later with his controversial but captivating Fastest-Known-Cannibal-Chestshaven-Bandaidnippler-Selfsupported-Itiedmyshoelaceswithanalpinebutterflybunnyearedclovedmunterwithayosemitefinishthewholetime-Time in the Spring, South-to-East with Western variations except when the East 4th Blood Moon of the 3rd Age of Rrumderok, of The Silk Road.
Randy was on fire. Randy was a hit. Randy was socially accepted and had sponsors. Randy had become part of the marketing department. While Randy hated himself, he found solace in the fact that he had made fascists appreciate his uselessness. He made capitalists admire his wanderlust.
Throughout it all, Randy started to actually become fast. Randy came to appreciate what running hundreds of miles a day does not to your body, but to your mind. Randy was becoming a sage. Randy was becoming a Zenhead and a paraglider. Randy began to see the mysticism brought on by pushing his mind and body into metaphysical oblivion. Randy was addicted. And while Randy has fallen off the Narcigasm train of late, he is ready to reboard.
With the help from his fellow magis and swamis at Satisfy, Randy is at again. On September 8, Randy will attempt a Fastest-Known-Supported-Covidhaving-Sometimessandalwearing-Occasionallywithdog-Sourpatchkidandrameneating Time on The Colorado Trail, East to West Collegiate West. Randy is old and worn down and will be high on psilocybin. Randy will wear a spot tracker and you can follow along on the following Narcigasm accounts:
Randy might die.