Eat it

How to Make Boosted Cult Gruel

If you’re a malignant narcissist and you’d like to start a running cult, one of the first things you need to consider is the nutrition of your followers. Technically, your first concern is how to trick a bunch of people into coming to live with you in the woods. But after you’ve figured that out, you gotta know what to feed them while they’re building the enormous multi-story compound shaped like your head.

Of course, it goes without saying that you, the chosen one, can eat whatever you want, but your followers have very specific dietary requirements: they can’t eat spaghetti, they will not have a spatchcock, and they definitely aren’t allowed to polish off a profiterole tower. What the disciples of any dubious faith community eat is GRUEL. And the plainest and most spirit-crushing gruel we know of is the slop they served up in Dickens’ Oliver Twist: Workhouse Gruel. ‘Please, sir, may I have more?’ Knock yourself out, kid. It’s disgusting. And we won’t be sharing a recipe for it here.

What you’ll need for your running cult is a highly nutritious and energy-rich dish that’ll keep your crazed followers on the podium. Lucky you—we’ve got a recipe! Here’s how to make POSSESSED MAG BOOSTED GRUEL. Yum!

Illustrations: Mike Gigliotti

What You’ll Need

• 1 cup steel-cut oats

• 1 cup psycho grain blend: quinoa, amaranth, sorghum, farro, freekeh, teff, and anything else Gwyneth Paltrow has recommended in the last decade.

• 3 cups water

• 2 cups plant-based milk (or dairy if you don’t think it’s weird to consume a liquid secreted by a female mammal that is not your mother)

• 1 tablespoon chia seeds

• 1 tablespoon flaxseeds

• 1 tablespoon hemp seeds

• 1 fistful of Skittles® (optional)

• 1 fistful of goji berries (not optional)

• 1 tablespoon cacao powder

• 1 tablespoon almond butter or peanut butter (or whatever nut butter)

• 1 tablespoon honey or maple syrup (optional)

• 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon (optional)


1. In a saucepan, combine the steel-cut oats, psycho grain blend, water, and milk. Bring the mixture to a boil over medium heat.

2. Once boiling, reduce the heat and let simmer uncovered for 20-25 minutes, stirring occasionally to prevent that shit from sticking to the bottom of the saucepan. If it sticks to the bottom of the saucepan, you’ll have your Theragun privileges suspended for two weeks.

3. Add the chia seeds, flaxseeds, hemp seeds, cocoa powder, Skittles® (optional), nut butter, honey/maple syrup (optional), goji berries, and ground cinnamon. Stir, stir, stir. Mix all the ingredients. Don’t fuck it up.

4. Cook the porridge for another 5-10 minutes until it reaches perfect gruel consistency: not too dry, not too moist, just right. You can add more milk or water if your gruel becomes too thick.

5. Transfer the completed POSSESSED MAG BOOSTED GRUEL to a gruel bowl (this can be half a coconut or an upturned skull) and sprinkle with whatever you think will make it look good on Instagram: mango, berries, nuts, seeds, LEGO®, coconut flakes, whatever.

6. Now scarf that shit down and give me a 100km out-and-back before you finish building the yurt village.