Your Running Stars Your Running Stars

SEPTEMBER 2023

What will happen in your running life during the four-week period between this issue of POSSESSED and the next one? Will you get shin splints in your neck? Will your shoes become haunted by the ghost of Jesse Owens? Will one of your hilarious non-running friends ask you what you are running from, ha-ha? Possibly. But who can say? Me, that’s who. Running Astrologer Betty-Carol Chinstrap. Let’s go!

ARIES

(March 21-April 19)

‘The pain cave’ will take on new meaning next week when you pause on a trail run to explore a cave, only to find Kid Rock, Machine Gun Kelly, and the cast of The Big Bang Theory exploring it already.

TAURUS

(April 20-May 20)

This month, while running in the mountains of Utah, you will come upon a momma cougar and her babies. Sadly, your encounter will not go viral because they’ll chew your phone up too.

GEMINI

(May 21-June 20)

Gemini! Your decision to dine at Senior Diablo’s All-You-Can-Eat Burrito Inferno the night before running the Reykjavik Marathon will actually work out fine. Go figure.

CANCER

(June 21-July 22)

While dusting off an old lamp later this month, a genie will appear and offer you a pair of enchanted Asics Noosa’s that will make you the fastest human on Earth. You will decline the offer.

LEO

(July 23-August 22)

Leo! You’ll join a running group this month and realize that sometimes it’s better not to tell new acquaintances about your dreams, especially the one where you're naked and being chased by a dog with a wooden head.

VIRGO

(August 23-September 22)

During a long run this month, you will see a suitcase thrown from a car that is being pursued by police. When the coast is clear, you will run back and force the case open. Inside will be a pamphlet offering 30% off at Senior Diablo’s All-You-Can-Eat Burrito Inferno.

LIBRA

(September 23-October 22)

A stranger will high-five you on a run next week, leaving you with a strong feeling of goodwill toward men. However, this will dissolve when you hear ‘One Week’ by The Barenaked Ladies blasting from a passing car.

SCORPIO

(October 23-November 21)

While running in nature with your boyfriend this month, you will stop for one too many photo opportunities, causing your boyfriend to finally dump you because he’s not a fucking tripod, Tiffany.

SAGITARIUS

(November 22-December 21)

The girls at the park aren’t smiling at you because they think you’re cute—they’re smiling because you’re the guy that doesn’t know he’s singing along to his Billy Joel-heavy Sunday run playlists.

CAPRICORN

(December 22-January 19)

Someone will overtake you on your park run this month, causing you to accelerate and pass them. Then they’ll pass you again, and then you’ll pass them before slowing to a stop and looking at your watch to let them know you weren’t racing them but, suck it, you won anyway.

AQUARIUS

(January 20-February 18)

Wearing a Peppa Pig costume will no longer seem ‘kooky’ or ‘fun’ when you throw up at kilometre 32 of the 6 Lakes Marathon and cause some children to cry.

PISCES

(February 19-March 20)

This month will see you experimenting with new running routes, Pisces, but you will quickly return to your old ones after discovering a trail of candy leading to an old shed with your name and a penis spray painted on the side.