Special Guest: Todd Francis Special Guest: Todd Francis

Aries, Aries... While you’re out there running, avoid railroad tracks, broken mirrors, and walking under ladders. But black cats, they’re fine. They always tell it like it is.

Taurus! This is a great month to be loud, confident, and aggressive. The stars say it to be true! Sing loudly, run hard, talk to strangers, maybe go buy a boat or a jet ski. Now everyone around you will realize once and for all—this Taurus is an asshole. 

Let’s see... Gemini. Soon, you will have vivid dreams of running and running until you need to cool off and dive into a deep, blue body of water. You will swim in the cooling water and achieve a beautiful state of stasis. Then you will wake refreshed and ready to tackle the month with incredible clarity. Also, your sheets will be soaked in your urine.

Your life is a balance between two moons. One is telling you to really go for it, to run long and hard for that finish line, and be reckless and forward-moving. The other moon is telling you to slow down, to learn from your mistakes, to be careful and avoid injury, and to be wise. Ignore both of those moons this month and go suck down three fully loaded hot dogs.

If I have to hear another Leo talking about ‘My Leo energy’ one more fucking time... It’s like those people who have to proclaim, ‘I’m Italian!’ every five minutes. We know already, dipshit. I’m sick of Leos, and now I’m sick of Italians, too. Good job.

Virgo... Okay. Listen here, running man, I’m not going to sugarcoat it—your haircut is more tragic than Trump’s diaper. What have they done to you? Did that cut come with giant shoes and a seltzer bottle? It’s time to reclaim your dignity, you lop. 

Umm... Okay. While you’re running this month, really engage the world with all your senses: taste, smell, sight, touch, sound. Take time to slow down and use all these senses to truly appreciate the world around you while you run because, come November, you’ll begin to lose one of these senses for good. 

Scorpio, it’s time to take a long look at yourself in the mirror and trim away all the emotional douche-baggage that the rest of the world sees in you. It won’t be easy, not with a face like that, but talk to it. There’s a reason nobody answers your calls. 

Live dangerously this month. Run as fast as you can, as far as you can. Roll the dice! Eat all the delicious street food! Demand your boss give you that raise! Go ahead and ask that special someone out! Also, this month you’ll get pinworm.

Let’s see, Capricorn... Okay, here we go. Capricorn. This month, take a break from all that running and definitely go on a hike. Not for the exercise, fresh air, or the chance to connect with nature, but so you can spend three weeks telling everyone about your stupid hike. 

Aquarius. This month, when you’re not busy running, you should spend as much time as possible diving deep into the music of The Doors and Jim Morrison’s lyrics so that by next month you’ll know to never willingly listen to The fucking Doors ever again. And Rush, too.

Woah! Based on what the stars are telling me, this is actually going to be a great month for you, filled with amazing runs and passion and clarity and significant financial gain [muffled sniggers turn into endless uproarious laughter].