This is Welcome to Earth, a special little corner of POSSESSED where we answer a question sent in from one of our dopey extraterrestrial readers. You might think that we just make these letters up ourselves, but I’m here to tell you we’re honestly getting mail from outer space. Either that, or I’m abusing solvents again. This month’s letter comes from Alphax Phib from the planet Pollywaffle.
Dear POSSESSED,
My name is Alphax Phib and I come from the planet Pollywaffle. Hello. I have a question for the Welcome to Earth department where you answer questions from actual, no-bullshit aliens from outer space: What are the Olympics?
Lots of love, your little friend with a head shaped like a bottle,
Alphax Phib
Great question, Alphax, and thank you for your totally genuine letter from outer space.
The Olympics is an enormous sporting event held every four years on Earth. Provided there’s been no naughtiness, every country is invited to compete in a multitude of physical competitions. That’s basically it: The Olympics is an enormous global athletics fair. A better question, though, is how is there an Olympics to begin with?
The first Olympic games went down in Ancient Greece around 776 BC. Each city-state of Greece would send their best athletes to compete at a religious sanctuary in Olympia. The games were held every four years and included running races, wrestling, chariot racing, bog snorkelling, and the one where you dance around while twirling a ribbon.
After a solid twelve-century run, the Olympics were shut down in 393 AD by the Roman Emperor Theodosius—a deeply insecure party pooper who demanded everyone obey Christian rule, which meant no more tits-out pagan festivals like the Olympics. Note: Christians are basically good earthlings, but there are some assholes in their ranks, and unfortunately, they’re often the ones who devise and enforce Christian rules. More often than not, the rules have nothing to do with the teachings of their Lord Jesus and more to do with bossing people around and being a prick. So, Theo shut it down, and the sanctuary was left to crumble away like Miss Havisham’s wedding cake. The games were pretty much forgotten for a thousand years. How sad.
In the late 19th century, French historian and educator Baron Pierre de Coubertin got the idea to resurrect the Olympic Games in a bid to unite the nations of the world and encourage peace, health, and good sportsmanship, and also to give everyone something to think about besides being broke because of the Great Depression. In 1894, he founded the International Olympic Committee, and in 1896, the IOC staged the first modern Olympics in Athens, Greece. So, after being dead for a millennium, the games were revived by just some guy. How’s that for a legacy? And he looks like a super-nice dude, too. That’s him in the above photo.
The 1896 Summer Olympic Games ran from April 6 to April 15 and involved the participation of fourteen nations and 241 athletes. The events included cycling, fencing, gymnastics, swimming, shooting, tennis, athletics, weightlifting, wrestling (here comes a joke), puppetry, sailing, and rowing. All the athletes were male because in the late 19th century women were uniformly excluded from everything except homemaking, child-rearing, and sexual harassment.
Since then, the Olympic Games have continued uninterrupted (except for the ones that were canceled in 1916, 1940, 1944, and 2020—nice going, Hitler, Covid-19, and Scottish rockers Franz Ferdinand), with all the nations of the world in attendance (except for Germany, Austria, Hungary, Bulgaria, and the Ottoman Empire in 1920; South Africa from 1964 to 1988; Rhodesia/Zimbabwe in 1972; Germany and Japan in 1948; Kuwait in 2016; India in 2014; Afghanistan in 2000; and Russia in 2016).
But for the handful of banning’s, boycotts, and scandals that have occurred over the years (because, make no mistake, Alphax, we are fucking idiots down here), the Olympic Games have continued to be a welcome four-year reminder that Earthlings can come together and have a good time without killing one another for at least two weeks.
Thanks again for your letter!
