Your Running Stars

Your Running Stars

As a special treat this month, Your Running Stars are presented by the dawdling woman who yelled, 'It's not a goddamn race!' when runners pushed past her at kilometer 3 of last year's UTA22 trail race (seriously). Take it away, Karen. 

'Hey there, fellow ambling curmudgeons! November is here, and I'm feeling the urge to either sign up for a trail race so I can block narrow paths and yell at people—or just lie on the sofa and argue with strangers on Facebook. Don't worry, I'll get your horoscope together. But don't rush me. I don't like to be rushed, dammit.'


(March 21-April 19)

Aries, your energy is impressive, but you need to slow down and enjoy the scenery. November trail races call for a relaxed walking pace, so listen to your body (and me) and take it slow. Sometimes, a leisurely stroll can be just as rewarding as a sprint. Anyway, it's not like it's a goddamn race.


(April 20-May 20)

Slow down, hot rod. It ain't a race. This month, focus on the journey rather than the speed. Yes, sign up for that all-important trail race, but be sure to make frequent stops for photos and scenery appreciation. I mean, what's your rush? Son of a monkey! It's not a frickin' race!


(May 21-June 20)

Gemini, your adaptability is your strength, so if you're feeling weary, consider hooking your thumbs in your belt loops and having a nice, long mosey. Being flexible with your goals (i.e., not chasing them) can make trail races more enjoyable. And remember, just because you're wearing a bib doesn't mean it's a race.


(June 21-July 22)

Cancer. This November, I recommend you sign up for a challenging race but then pamper yourself by trudging the thing as slowly as possible. Be sure to pause for a gentle stretches, snacks, and outbursts of verbal abuse. Your body will thank you, and so will I.


(July 23-August 22)

Leo, your attention to detail is commendable. Apply that diligence by hiding a mobility scooter in the bushes and using it in that trail race you signed up for. Cheating? Clogging the course? Dagnammit, it's not a race, asshole! Come on!


(August 23-September 22)

Virgo, your confidence is inspiring, but why not take a break from this silly running shenanigans and stand stock-still for 30 minutes in the narrowest part of the trail? Sometimes, allowing yourself the luxury of not performing your best—while making it difficult for others to perform at all—is the best you can do.


(September 23-October 22)

Libra! Everyone knows the best adventure is a nap. But if you can't manage a nap, then you should embrace the art of moving supernaturally slow. Find some like-minded friends, sign up for a race (it's not a race), and then have fun pretending to be peaceful blobs of molasses.


(October 23-November 21)

Mother of pearl, Scorpio! Anyone would think it's a race! Your determination is undeniable, but you need to lie down right here on the trail and relax. Gosh darn it, you need to take a load off! Allow your body and mind to rejuvenate, and then return to the race with renewed vigor. P.s. It is not a freakin' race!


(November 22-December 21)

Sagittarius, you'll find equilibrium this month by incorporating protracted periods of stillness on narrow mountain trails where hundreds of people wearing athletic wear are imagining themselves to be in a race of some sort. I recommend sitting cross-legged and crying oaths at those people as they leap over you.


(December 22-January 19)

Capricorn! This November, allow yourself a break from chasing PBs by retrieving a tray of lasagne from your backpack and unfolding a small table and chair. It might be 8:30 AM on this mountain, but it's lunchtime somewhere, and you'll need to eat if you're going to be a nuisance to all these assholes who seem to think this is a goddamn race or somethin'!


(January 20-February 18)

Aquarius, your innovative mind is always buzzing, but even a clever clogs like you needs to take it easy from time to time. String a hammock across the race path and get some shuteye. Who knows, a little snooze might inspire new ideas for how to be a pain in the ass at your next trail race—that definitely isn't a race!


(February 19-March 20)

Pisces. Slow. The. Heck. Down. I didn't pay eighty bucks to enter this race and have people politely excuse themselves while pushing past me on a narrow track while I clomp along like Big Foot on heroin. Cool your dang boots.  This ain't a motherfreakin' race.