Your Running Stars

Your Running Stars

Whether you’re a Libra, a Gemini, a Scorpio, or a Thesaurus, October is a big month for running. But what will happen? Will your toenails turn black and fall off because you didn’t go a full size-and-a-half up on those Nordas? Will you trip and headbutt a rock fifteen minutes into your first ultra trail? Will you just quit running altogether and get into making parkour videos for your parkour channel on ParkourTube? Who can say? No one. Because life is completely unpredictable and chaotic and astrology isn’t real... Or is it? Maybe. But it definitely isn’t a thing here—we just make this shit up for fun! Let’s go!


(March 21-April 19)

Aries, it's your time to shine, baby! This month, create a new and exciting look by running in a leather aviator helmet and a backwards G-string. You will be arrested, but it'll be worth it for the free bologna sandwich they'll give you at Central Booking.


(April 20-May 20)

It's all about balance for you this month, dear Taurus. Create a calming post-run sanctuary in your basement with scented candles, cushions, blankets, and several framed photos of Kipchoge smiling like he just took your sister to the movies. 


(May 21-June 20)

Let’s talk comfort AND style! This month is the perfect time to create those moisture-wicking sports pantalettes no one asked for. Don’t listen to the haters—start sewing those whacky, ill-advised unmentionables, and get out there, you nutty fuck!


(June 21-July 22)

Cancer, running is not just a physical journey—it's also an emotional one. Connect with your inner child this month by reflecting on all the ways your parents fucked you up and have some nice, big, snotty cries on your long runs. Totally normal.


(July 23-August 22)

Leo, you're a star! Embrace your inner diva on the trail this month by accessorizing with scarves, jewelry, and an ostentatious hat. Pair this look with a killer playlist and pretend you're prancing down the runway of a fashion show created by Goodwill, Johnny Depp, and solvent abuse.


(August 23-September 22)

We know you’ve heard it before, Virgo, but you need reminding: balance is essential. Balance your diet, balance your training, and balance an earthen jug on your head. Why haven’t you won a single race since you started running? Because you don’t have a jug, that’s why. Get a jug.


(September 23-October 22)

Libra, with your ascendant moon in Venus (probably), we recommend you create a playlist that mirrors your emotional state for optimal performance. Think songs by Taylor Swift, Miley Cyrus, Ariana Grande, and Nigel Pepper Cock.


(October 23-November 21)

For Scorpios, it's all about harmony. This month, you'll finally find a harmonious approach to cardio and strength training by doing push-ups with a sizeable earthen jug on your back. You got this! You're the chef de cuisine of the running universe! You are! You should tell people that.


(November 22-December 21)

Sagittarius! This month, you should explore new trails, meet new runners, share running stories, and embrace the running community with an open heart. Just don’t talk about the fried egg-sized nipple you have on your back.


(December 22-January 19)

You’re the run boss, Capricorn! Set goals, crush goals, and then set some more. Once you’ve crushed those goals, set some bigger goals and crush them as well. After that, set another eight goals of varying sizes, crush them, crush a burrito, and then go back and crush three more random goals that no one expected you to crush. Hey! Save some goals for us! Just kidding. Keep crushing.


(January 20-February 18)

Aquarius, it's time to channel your inner spiritual trail runner dude. Let your runs be your time to connect with nature and the universe. Learn to be alone, listen to your breath, treat yourself to a post-run, free-range, artisanal hand-shandy if you feel like it. Om-shanti—you deserve it!


(February 19-March 20)

Pisces, your runs are as unique as you are. Embrace your quirks and let your creativity flow. Experiment with different running styles, like the Quasimodo foot drag or the one where you balance an earthen jug on your head and cry. Whatever you choose to do, though, make sure you record it on Strava as a ‘Shakeout.’