Eat it

Turbo Town Gnar-Gnar Power Pancakes™

Y’all thought we were joking last issue when we made up Turbo Town Gnar-Gnar Power Pancakes™, but here we are, just sentences away from donning an apron and mixing up a batch of those delicious, crazy nutritious, gnarly suminabitches. 

The great thing about Turbo Town Gnar-Gnar Power Pancakes™ (besides how much better you’ll run after housing a stack of them) is the length of their name: Turbo Town Gnar-Gnar Power Pancakes™. That’s a six-word title. Count ‘em: 1. Turbo 2. Town 3. Gnar 4. Gnar 5. Power 6. Pancakes™. So many words for one dish, and the great thing is, the more I write it, the less other words I have to come up with to make this introduction work. Turbo Town Gnar-Gnar Power Pancakes™, Turbo Town Gnar-Gnar Power Pancakes™, Turbo Town Gnar-Gnar Power Pancakes™. This shit is writing itself. Seriously, though, Turbo Town Gnar-Gnar Power Pancakes™ are an excellent source of carbohydrates, protein, and potassium, and they taste awesome, too. And they’re easier to make than a sandwich. Let’s go!

What You'll Need

• 1.5 Cups of Rolled Oats

• ¼ Teaspoon of salt

• 2 Teaspoons of Baking Powder

• 2 Tablespoons of Protein Powder

• 7 Large Egg Whites (250ml of Liquid Egg Whites)

• 1/2 Cup of Almond Milk

• 1 Teaspoon of Vanilla Essence

• 1 Cup Frozen Berries

• 2 Bananas

• Honey or Maple Syrup


1. This is the easiest ‘What to Do’ you will ever do. You put all the ingredients besides the bananas in a blender, press the button, and then—bam—that’s your pancake mix. I wasn’t joking when I said it was easier than making a sandwich.

2. If you don’t have a blender, go to the bathroom and stare into the mirror while repeating, ‘What are you doing, dude? What are you doing, dude?’ for at least an hour. Because really, what are you doing, dude, if you don’t have a blender? Get a blender. They cost next to nothing, and you never stop using them for smoothies and soup and anything else you want liquified—like Turbo Town Gnar-Gnar Power Pancakes™.  

3. So, now that you’ve ridden your bicycle to the local electrical appliance store and picked up a Nutribullet or similar, dump in all your ingredients and blend the heck out of them. Thanks to the berry content, the final result should be either a purple or pink goop. 

4. Next, heat a skillet to 190°C (375°F) and drip/spray some oil on it. Personally, I like olive oil because it’s good for you, and you can run the excess through your hair and rub it into your elbows to fend off eczema.

5. Now pour some of your Turbo Town Gnar-Gnar Power Pancake mix™ into the hot pan, turn the pan heat down to about 185°C (360°F), and start slicing your bananas.

6. When the bananas are sliced up, carefully distribute them across the uncooked side of the pancake. You can randomly position them or use them to create a pattern. I like to cut my bananas longways into thin spears so I can construct pentagrams and hail Satan while having my breakfast, but you do whatever you like.

7. Now that your nanas are embedded in the bubbling pancake splotch, take the pan by the handle, give it a little shuffle to loosen the pancake from the pan surface, and flip that bad boy in the air so that it lands banana-side down. Yes, you could use a spatula, but why not live a little and take a chance every now and again? Hail Satan. 

8. When both sides are browned, kick it out of the pan and onto a plate, drizzle with honey or maple syrup, then suck it down with a hot cup of coffee. Then go to the bathroom to clear your passageways, pull on your shorts and shoes, then go back to the bathroom because you sort of feel like you’re not finished, then go to the front door, pause, return to the bathroom for one last pee, then hit the road and/or trail.

Turbo Town Gnar-Gnar Power Pancakes™. Delicious.