For this month’s runner’s horoscope, we decided to take a different tact, and instead of making it up as we went along, we approached a legitimate astrologist named Austyn Gillette and asked him what the month of June has in store for the running world.
Austyn is better known for being a professional skateboarder, but you’d be surprised to learn he spent five years studying under the world-renowned mystic Chani Nicholas—aka Oprah’s astrologer—and is highly qualified for the task of making this shit up. POSSESSED gave Austyn a call at his home in L.A. to find out what’s going to happen to you (and the other eleven types of people) in the month of June.
Aries
(March 21 - April 19)
So, is this going to be audio, or are you gonna write it up? Okay, cool. Aries. This month you need to watch your meat intake because... you’re probably gonna have a gout flare-up.
Taurus
(April 20 - May 20)
Taurus... This month, you’re gonna have dreams about grinding your teeth, but don’t worry, it’s just pre-race anxiety. What’s next?
Gemini
(May 21 - June 20)
Gemini. You’re going to subscribe to all the dating apps, but then on your first date... On your first date, you’re just gonna run away because that’s what you do.
Cancer
(June 21 - July 22)
Cancer. This month, the Wim Hoff method will not work for you. Next.
Leo
(July 23 - August 22)
Leo, Leo... Wait, I got this...This month, you’re gonna have to triple-tie your laces every time you run. That’ll do.
Virgo
(August 23 - September 22)
This is fuckin' hard, huh? Virgo. All Virgo runners will have to update their Lexapro dosage to ten milligrams this month. Next.
Libra
(September 23 - October 22)
Libra... You’ll have to sleep with garlic in your socks to get rid of all the toxins ‘cause you got lots of toxins in you.
Scorpio
(October 23 - November 21)
Scorpio. You should probably go to therapy for your anger issues. That’s Scorpios, right? Are they angry?
Sagittarius
(November 22 - December 21)
Keep an eye on your race day wine consumption this month. Don’t overdo it.
Capricorn
(December 22 - January 19)
This month, I recommend Capricorns drink a lot of capsicum smoothies.
Aquarius
(January 20 - February 18)
Shave your legs, Aquarius. It might make you faster.
Pisces
(February 19 - March 20)
Pisces. Just keep being an asshole. How was that?
