The Knowledge

Top 5 Signs You Are POSSESSED

If you’re reading this, chances are you’re one of the estimated 621.16 million people who like to go for a run. But are you POSSESSED? Being a fan of running and being POSSESSED by the activity are two very different things. At one end of the spectrum, you have folks who enjoy a cute 3K jog every second Saturday in their ten-year-old Air Max’s—and on the other hand, you have nutters with a shoe rotation like Imelda Marcos and inspirational quotes tattooed on their necks, like ‘As We Run, We Become,’ or that one about not trusting farts. (the Imelda Marcos reference might be lost on our less politically savvy readers, but suffice it to say, the lady likes her some shoes).

So, are you POSSESSED? Here are five tell-tale signs that you might need to employ the services of a sports exorcist.

You Don’t Have Any Friends

Technically, you do have some ‘friends,’ but they’re all runners because runners are the only people who will talk to you now. Your old friends just sort of drifted away... You might be surprised to know that those old friends still hang out and do stuff together all the time (bowling, camping, hang-gliding), but they never invite you because they’re tired of hearing about how you ‘went for a run today’ or how you ‘signed up for The Buttergut Rat Scramble 50K’ again. You stop getting invited to parties and weddings, and even your romantic partner leaves you for someone less mental. Fortunately, you meet a new romantic partner while picking up your bib for the Arizona Ass-Blaster 100, and they’re just as weird, wiry, and weather-beaten as you. So, if any of that happened... you’re probably POSSESSED.

You Don’t Like When Runners Use Strava Like Instagram

If you scroll through Strava and wince every time you see someone has uploaded a photo or meme that has nothing to do with running, you might not be POSSESSED, but you’re definitely taking running too seriously, so chill the fuck out, please. On the other hand, if you’re spending hours searching out or—worse yet—creating memes to upload to Strava, you’re one hundred percent POSSESSED. Option 3: If you’re just uploading stuff unrelated to running for the purpose of pissing off the first group of people I mentioned, you are not POSSESSED—but this Bud is definitely for you. Nice work, fella. 

You Don’t Have Any Regular Clothes

If you’re a runner but you’re also a girl getting around with jeans under a dress like Hillary Duff at the premiere of Cheaper by the Dozen 2, there’s a good chance that you have been POSSESSED by the spirit of running. And if you’re a dude decked out like Lenny Kravitz if he had a job at the Cancun branch of Señor Frog's in 2006, you might be POSSESSED by running as well. Then again, you might just be Lenny Kravitz. What I’m getting at is if you’re spending all your money on running gear to the detriment of your ordinary wardrobe, that’s a tell-tale sign that running is taking over your life. To put it another way, if you’re planning on attending your best friend’s wedding in a Droors t-shirt, JNCO jeans, and with a Tamagotchi as your plus-one, you’re probably POSSESSED.

You’re Having Reoccurring Dreams About Mike Versteeg

If you’ve had a dream about Michael Versteeg, don’t worry, we all have. But if you’ve had more than, say, eight—and he’s nude in some of them—you may have a problem. That said, if Mike has just been a background extra in a handful of ordinary, non-running dreams, that’s also nothing to be concerned with. However—and I can’t stress this enough—if you’re having reoccurring dreams about you and Mike Versteeg doing your Sunday long runs together, shopping for a new pair of leather jeans, or getting chased by a dog with a wooden head, you are POSSESSED. My friend John (@john_here_now) has been dreaming about Mike every night since Mike won the Mogollon Monster in 2017. He’s fully POSSESSED. Get help, bro.

You Say ‘Let’s Go!’ Way Too Much

Of all the tell-tale signs of running POSSESSION, this one is the most obvious. There’s a time and a place to say ‘Let’s go,’ and that time and place is wherever you are with your running friends when you’re just about to set off for a run. However, loudly exclaiming ‘Let’s GOOOOOO!’ during the act of coitus or while attending a funeral is a strong indicator that you are POSSESSED. Moreover, if you finish a long run, hit stop on your watch, kick over an E-bike, vomit, upload the run to Strava with a funny meme you made, and then howl ‘LET’S GOOOOOO!’ you, my friend, are truly POSSESSED. There's no hope for you.

Let’s go!