What will happen in your running career this month? Will you win a marathon? Will you feature on the cover of Runner’s World? Will Mo Farah call and ask if you’d like to go see the new PAW Patrol movie? Not a chance. But something will happen, so let’s bust out astrological charts and look into the future by making it up as we go along! Here’s your running stars for the month.
ARIES
(March 21-April 19)
Finding the motivation to lace up your shoes and go for a run will be a lot easier this month because your new roommate, Draven, is weird and collects puppets and calls you ‘Brophus’, and you won’t like being at home anymore.
TAURUS
(April 20-May 20)
It’s been a year since your Achilles tendonitis went away, dear Taurus, but it will return this month, and with it shin splints, knee pain, runner’s face, and eczema. On the upside, there is a crème for eczema.
GEMINI
(May 21-June 20)
This month will see pedestrians crowding your regular running routes and making you furious. You’ll see the funny side, though, when Ashton Kutcher jumps out of a bush and tells you you’re on a show called Let’s Annoy the Fuck Out of This Guy.
CANCER
(June 21-July 22)
The gastrointestinal issues that disrupted your training sessions and brought you great shame will finally disappear this month. However, your new nickname is here to stay. Sorry about that, Shitty Debbie.
LEO
(July 23-August 22)
Your long runs have become monotonous of late, Leo, and they’ve left you feeling bored and ambivalent about running. No change this month, I’m afraid.
VIRGO
(August 23-September 22)
Your current busy schedule has made it difficult for you to reach your weekly distance quota, but you’ll have all the time in the world later this month when you go to jail for masterminding the 2003 Antwerp Diamond Heist and wanking in a bush.
LIBRA
(September 23-October 22)
This month, after pushing your way to the starting line of a half-marathon and impressing everyone with 20 minutes of dynamic high knee jumps, butt kicks, hurdles, and scoops, you’ll be attacked by wasps.
SCORPIO
(October 23-November 21)
Scorpio! The ghost of Steve Prefontaine will appear to you in a dream this lunar cycle, and he’ll recommend you stop wasting money on Glide and get a nipplectomy.
SAGITARIUS
(November 22-December 21)
Your heart will be broken this month when you go out of your way to draw a picture of crab with a balloon on Strava and get, like, three measly kudos.
CAPRICORN
(December 22-January 19)
The strong headwinds that dogged you all last month will clear up now, and you will enjoy seven hassle-free minutes of running before a new bugbear steals your joy (spoiler: its severe patellar dislocation!).
AQUARIUS
(January 20-February 18)
This is an exciting month for you, dear Aquarius! Finally, your iPhone armband will receive the exact number of raised eyebrows needed for you to get serious and purchase a running watch, for fucksakes.
PISCES
(February 19-March 20)
You recently hit a performance plateau that has left you feeling frustrated. Never fear, dear Pisces, you’ll make progress again this month when you ‘accidentally’ invent the Maurten enema.
