Welcome to WELCOME TO EARTH.
This month's letter comes from Zonk, who lives beyond the observable universe on the planet Prikstik in Nebula 5:
Dear POSSESSED,
My name is Zonk and I come from Prikstik, Nebula 5.
My question is this: What does LSD mean?
Thank you.
Love, Zonk
Hi Zonk, and thanks for your letter!
LSD is an acronym with two meanings. The most common meaning is Lysergic Acid Diethylamide, which is a powerful hallucinogenic drug people take in order to tolerate a rock band called Phish. The other meaning of LSD is Long Slow Distance, which pertains to running. This being a running publication, we're going to assume that Long Slow Distance is the version you'd like us to elaborate on.
LSD runs (also called Aerobic Base Runs) are one of, if not the most important part of endurance training for earthling runners. An earthling runner is an anthropoid that chooses to make the activity of running (moving quickly on foot) a central part of their existence on Earth because it feels good and is good and because there’s something wrong inside their heads. Note: earthling anatomy is actually designed for the purpose of running. However, only some earthlings run. The earthlings that don’t run—which is most earthlings—identify themselves by endlessly muttering about something called ‘bad knees’. But we’ll get into that another time. Let’s talk about the many benefits of LSD runs.
Inside every earthling, there is a system called the aerobic energy system. This is a system that uses oxygen to produce energy, and LSD runs both activate and aid the development of this system. So, by running slowly over a long distance, earthlings are able to train their aerobic energy system to use oxygen more efficiently, which helps them run for longer and longer periods of time. Building endurance is considered a good thing for earthlings who run because running longer and longer distances is what they want to do. Why? No one knows. They just want to.
The second benefit of LSD: fat burnage. Long Slow Distance runs are a terrific way to metabolize the human body’s fat reserves. For the most part, humans get their energy from carbohydrates (compounds found in cold pizza, expired hotdog buns, and cookie dough), but on LSD runs, the body shifts gears and begins using up its fat stores, which has been scientifically proven by scientists in science labs to improve endurance.
Benefit the third: structural acclimatization. One of the coolest features of the human body is its ability to adapt to stress. LSD runs encourage muscles, ligaments, tendons, and even bones to strengthen and gird themselves against injury. Long Slow Distance runs send a message that the body better get used to running for three hours every Sunday because this is how shit is going to be from now on. If an adult earthling ran, say, 20 kilometers without having run further than 200 meters since they were a child, that earthling would definitely die. Well, maybe not die, but the damage done to their anatomy would render them unable to use the bathroom alone for at least a week. LSD runs build the structural durability necessary to run enormous distances (for no known reason) injury free.
This next and fourth benefit of LSD is very peculiar indeed. Inside every human skull is an organ called the brain. The brain is like a control centre that talks to the human, mainly to warn them of danger and encourage them to look at pornography. LSD runs train humans to override this voice to become better athletes. For example, during a run the brain might say, ‘This sucks. Let’s go lie under that tree.’ But then the human (whose brain it is) will, through force of will, ignore the brain and keep running. ‘Seriously, man,’ the brain might continue, ‘this is bullshit. Why are we even doing this? Let’s stop here and get a burrito and a Dr. Pepper.’ And the human (if he’s been training with LSD) will continue running, and perhaps even say out loud, ‘Shut up, brain. I don’t even like Dr. Pepper.’ Psychological resilience is perhaps the most significant benefit of LSD, and you’re not going to get very without it.
The final benefit of LSD is active recovery, which sounds like a contradiction in terms: how can you be both active and recovering? Well, Zonk, I’m afraid no one knows. What we do know, however, is that going slower means less impact on the body, which reduces the risk of overtraining and injury.
So, there you have it. Long Slow Distance running. Bear in mind, LSD isn’t the only practice you’ll need to become a better runner, Zonk (assuming you have legs)—there’s also strength training and speed work to consider. But we’ll leave that for another time.
Run long and Prosper.
