If you’ve been running for a while, you will have noted some interesting changes to your body, especially if you have been exclusively running and not doing anything else. One of the changes you might’ve noticed is your butt and legs are starting to look great. When you run a lot, your calves and quads become more defined, and little muscles you didn’t know existed begin emerging in your legs. You’ll also find that you can move furniture by gripping it with your ass and waddling across the room.
Photography & Video: Ben Murphy
Model: Nina
There’s no question you look terrific from the waist down. But if we let our eyes drift north of the equator—hello—you’ve got yourself a concave chest, no shoulders, and long pieces of string where your arms used to be. You, my friend, look like something the work experience kid made in Jim Henson’s puppet workshop. Yuck.
You’ll likely have an energy belt, too, which is basically the sportsman’s muffin top. No matter how much you run, the fat deposit on your hips refuses to budge because your body is retaining it in case of an emergency. This is one of the most annoying things about being human. You can burn off fat like a George Forman Grill, but at a certain point, your body will decide to reserve a hefty portion of blubber on your hips for emergencies and begin eating your muscles. How much does that suck? The good news is you can get your Popeye arms back and put a dent in that muffin-top with upper body strength work, which also sucks, but anything is better than looking like Mr Burns with the wrong legs.
So, for this issue, we’re sharing some basic upper-body strength exercises. We’ll keep it simple because not everyone has a home gym or a locked-in-for-life-stop-taking-my-money-you-bastards gym membership. But if you can invest in a set of dumbbells or kettlebells, that would be good. We haven’t prescribed sets and reps for any of this because everyone is different, but I would say don’t overdo it. Build super slowly, the same way you built distance as a runner. That kinda goes for everything in life.
Disclaimer: If you hurt yourself, it’s all your fault. We just told you not to overdo it. Come on.
You, my friend, look like something the work experience kid made in Jim Henson’s puppet workshop. Yuck.
Push-ups
The modern-day push-up was invented by an Indian wrestler/strongman named Jerick Revilla in 1905, which sounds like bullshit because you’d think push-ups are older than the vacuum cleaner, which was also invented in 1905. Go figure. Unlike the vacuum cleaner, however, push-ups haven’t undergone any design and innovation breakthroughs in the last century because they’re already kinda perfect—but they are easy to get wrong.
Firstly, you want to make sure your hands are directly beneath your shoulders, and when you lower yourself, you need to bend your elbows alongside your body and not let them flare out to the side. You also need to be as straight as a plank and not let your back arch or your hips sag. A good way to make sure you’re nice and straight is to tuck your butt. This is something they say in yoga all the time, but they refer to the butt as the sacrum. Basically, you curl your tailbone under, and that ensures you remain flat as a board from your ankles to your head. Inhale as you go down, exhale as you come back up. Doing push-ups slower will help you maintain correct form, and it’ll also work your muscles better. So, drop and give me 50. But take your time.
Standing Dumbbell Overhead Shoulder Press
Of all the upper-body strength exercises, this one is the least sucky, and I think that’s because you’re basically doing the victory pose over and over. Quick side note: The victory pose is not a learned thing; children do it automatically when they’re triumphant in some way. It’s kinda interesting... Anyway, the standing overhead shoulder press with dumbbells is super-easy, but also easy to get wrong. You want to begin with the dumbbells directly over your shoulders but not resting on the shoulders. Chest up, inhale, and then exhale and push the dumbbells straight up, pause at the top, then bring them back down again, inhaling as you do. Pretty easy. It’s important to make sure you’re engaging your abs while you do this, and also be mindful of not leaning back. You want to stand up nice and straight like Superman and then push the dumbbells up from there. It’s really important to maintain good posture on this because it is very easy to tweak shit in your back, and we all know how much that can suck.
Lateral Raises
Dumbbell lateral raises target your rear deltoids and your trapezius muscles, and that’ll help balance out the other stuff we’ve done so far. Stand with your feet about hip-width apart, chest out, shoulders back so that your shoulder blades are trying to touch, and put a little bend in your knees; not a big bend, just a little one like you’re undecided about sitting down at the cinema because some guy has accused you of taking the wrong seat, but you’re like, ‘This is 7B, right? My ticket says 7B,’ and then the guy squints at his ticket and says, ‘Oh shit. My bad, homie. Enjoy the film,’ and then trundles off to his correct seat. You know what I mean. Next, inhale, and then as you exhale (sharply), bring your arms up at your sides like a bird holding a pair of dumbbells. Bring the dumbbells up to about neck height, pause, and then slowly bring them back down by your sides... I gotta say, dude, you’re already looking more jacked than when you started reading this. Are you on the juice, dude? Level with me, dude. Dude? Come on, dude.
Hammer Curls
Hammer curls are great, and they sound tough. ‘I just knocked out some hammer curls, bro. Now I’m gonna make myself a creatine shake and think about Goggins and Huberman riding a bicycle for two while eating Calippos.’ That’s a great visual. Okay, here’s what you do. Stand with your feet about shoulder width apart, slight bend in the knees, and a neutral spine. Hold the dumbbells in your hands, gripping them close to the top, and make sure your elbows are a little bit in front of your hips for your starting position. Now, exhale and bend your elbows (without moving them forward or backward from where they are just in front of your hips), and bring the dumbbells up to a little over 90 degrees. Hold for a second, and then slowly bring them down as you inhale. You want to keep your biceps engaged the whole time during this one. No rest. And be careful not to swing your body to help bring the dumbbells up. There’ll be a little bit of swing, but you don’t want to look like the guy from Midnight Oil.
So, there you have it, four upper-body exercises to help balance your overall strength. Bear in mind these are not the only upper-body strength exercises you can or should do, but they provide a pretty good starting point if you’re sick of getting sand kicked in your face at the beach.
