If you’ve ever sat up past midnight with an Arizonian, chances are they’ve put a flashlight under their chin and told you some spooky stories. And perhaps you heard those stories and decided to give Arizona a very wide berth, which is a shame because the Grand Canyon State is one of the best places in the world for running, and now you’re too scared to go there. That’s sad, man.
For this reason, we’ve decided to dedicate this issue’s Bullshit Report to debunking some of these Arizona spook stories and myths. We’d debunk them all, but Arizona collects folk tales and legends like Björk collects kitten teeth (probably). We love a hair-raising campfire story as much as the next guy, but AZ is cray-z for them, and that’s no bullshit. Let’s check it out.
By Buck Scuz
When it comes to Arizona myths, the Mogollon Monster is the main attraction. Since the late 1800s, there have been reports of a two-meter-tall, bipedal creature stalking Arizona’s Mogollon Rim. The beast is said to be covered with black hair and to smell like a repulsive cocktail of ‘dead fish, a skunk with bad body odor, decaying peat moss, and the musk of a snapping turtle.’ Not only that, but it also emits a blood-curdling scream and is known to pull the heads off deer, drink the blood of mountain lions, and it has a set of balls like two grapefruits in a pillowcase.
For all intents and purposes, the Mogollon Monster is Arizona’s Big Foot, and like Big Foot, it’s not real. You’d think after over 100 years of ‘sightings,’ there’d be at least one credible photo or video, but there’s nothing. Feel free to run along the Mogollon Rim. It’s beautiful up there.
Skinwalkers
Skinwalkers are the malevolent spirits of Navajo shamans who turned to the dark side of magic and became witches that roam the Arizona night making trouble. Skinwalkers are shapeshifters and can transform into coyotes, wolves, foxes, owls, and other creatures, and even humans. They can mimic voices, control animals, and they use their evil powers to wreak havoc on humanity. Many Navajo people refrain from discussing Skinwalkers lest they accidentally summon one.
There are numerous reports of Skinwalkers attacking humans, but only after taking the form of an animal. Sometimes Skinwalkers will disguise themselves as a trusted family member or friend and lure the victim into harm’s way. They can also bring about mental distress in their victims, cause bad luck, and otherwise make life difficult. Regardless of what this all sounds like to you, Skinwalkers are a very real and unnerving part of Navajo cultural heritage, and we recommend you don’t fuck with them. NEXT!
The Travis Walton Incident
In 1975, near Snowflake, Arizona, a group of loggers working in the Apache-Sitgreaves National Forest saw a ‘golden light’ coming from the woods. On further investigation, they discovered a glowing disc-shaped craft idling in a clearing. One of the men, the then 22-year-old Travis Walton, approached the craft and was struck by a beam of light that knocked him to the ground. The other men fled but returned fifteen minutes later to find that Walton and the mysterious glowing vessel had disappeared.
Five days later, Walton reappeared, claiming he’d been abducted by aliens. There are hundreds of AZ alien abduction stories, but The Travis Walton Incident is probably the most famous and the one that garnered the most media coverage. We've gone down the rabbit hole with this one, and all signs point to a hoax that perpetuates financial gain for Walton through movies, television appearances, and books (sorry, Mulder). That said, we recommend keeping your eyes on the skies in Arizona—there is actually some weird shit going on...
The Lost Dutchman Goldmine
Somewhere in the Superstition Mountains, near Apache Junction and east of Phoenix, Arizona, there is a rich mine of pure gold that no one has been able to locate since it was first discovered by prospector Jacob Waltz (the Dutchman) in the 1860s... Or was it discovered in the 1850s by a man named Miguel Peralta who was later killed by Apaches charged with protecting the mine? Or did the Apaches blindfold a ‘Dr. Thorne’ and take him to the secret mine as a reward for attending to one of their injured men? Or was the lost mine really discovered by two U.S. soldiers in 1870 who, after reporting their finding, mysteriously vanished without a trace?
There are an estimated 62 versions of The Lost Dutchman Goldmine story, but none have actually turned up a goldmine in the 175-odd years since the tale began. Still, roughly 9,000 treasure hunters go looking for it every year, and that’s not bullshit. So, watch out for ‘em. They’ll probably shoot and ask questions later if they see you running around (they won’t, I just needed to make this one sound more menacing).
The Chupacabra
The Chupacabra is a hideous, four-legged monster that terrorizes farmers and feeds on the blood of livestock—mainly goats (‘chupacabra’ roughly translates to ‘goat sucker’). While chupacabra sightings are mostly reported in rural Mexico, they do occasionally cross the border into Arizona to chupa any cabras they might find there. In 2012, a woman in Tucson reported seeing a chupacabra near Speedway and Camino Seco. ‘It was slightly larger than a coyote,’ she said, ‘with a leathery hide, a long rat-like tail, enormous testicles, and the face of a bat.’
Sightings similar to this have been reported in other parts of Arizona, including Goodyear, Bisbee, Rio Rico, and Huachuca City. There are even cell phone camera videos of chupacabras in Arizona on YouTube. We have reviewed these and can confirm that chupacabras are actually just coyotes with alopecia. NEXT!
The Red Ghost
Beware The Red Ghost if you go running at night in AZ. Back in 1883, near Eagle Creek, Arizona, a woman was trampled to death outside her cabin by what witnesses claimed was an enormous, blood-red steed with a skeletal human figure astride its back, not unlike the Grim Reaper. Sightings of the ‘Red Ghost’ and its sinister horseman quickly spread. Settlers and prospectors in the region reported seeing the monster tearing through camps, knocking over wagons, killing and eating grizzly bears, and performing all manner of supernatural deeds while leaving traces of crimson hair in its wake. The legend grew until 1893 when a farmer spotted the beast in his backyard and shot it.
Turns out ‘The Red Ghost’ was just a rogue and now-feral camel left over from the Camel Corps of 1855, and the spectral human figure in the saddle was the skeleton of its owner, who had presumably died on its back and never fallen off... So, yeah, don’t worry about The Red Ghost while you’re running near Eagle Creek. You’re good.
JoJo's Alley
If you’re running at night in Phoenix, it’s recommended you steer clear of East Circle Road—aka JoJo’s Alley. JoJo’s Alley is a narrow, oleander bush-lined lane located east of 7th Street and north of Orangewood Avenue, and according to local legend, it’s haunted as FUCK. For decades, drivers have reported seeing strange lights and hearing something or someone (we're guessing JoJo) pounding frantically on the roofs of their cars as they pass through the eerie, tunnel-like lane. Rumor has it that before the area was developed, JoJo’s Alley was a dirt road that cut through an orange grove owned by a farmer who may or may not have been named JoJo... That’s the end of the rumor.
But heaven forbid you should enter JoJo’s Alley at night on foot because you may not live to tell the tale... It is true that everyone who ever passed through JoJo’s Alley on foot has lived to tell the tale, but maybe YOU won’t... But you probably will. But then, who can say? The law of averages? Yes.
La Llorona, The Weeping Woman
La Llorona is a ghost from Mexican folklore who has managed to float across into Arizona for the express purpose of having a cry and freaking people out. Her story goes like this: A woman named María fell in love with a wealthy man who promised to take care of her and her children, but then he ditched them, and María—consumed by sorrow, anger, and temporary madness—took her kids down to the river and drowned them so they wouldn’t have to live in poverty.
When she eventually came to her senses and realized what she’d done, she either died or just transformed into a grief-stricken spirit named La Llorona, whose haunting sobs can be heard coming from bodies of water, be they rivers, creeks, or kidney pools. Will the heart-rending howls of La Llorona echoing through the canyons and across the desert mar your running experience in Arizona? Nah. Pop some headphones in and listen to Gatecreeper’s new album.
The Werewolf of Shalimar Golf Course
Ah-hoo, werewolf of Tempe. There have been many reports of werewolf sightings in Tempe, Arizona, but perhaps the most notable case is the dreaded werewolf of Shalimar Golf Course. As the story goes, a group of teenagers were taking a shortcut through the course at night—more than likely drinking alcohol, smoking marijuana, and quoting Ace Ventura (it was the mid-90s)—when suddenly they saw a shadow drop from one of the towering palm trees that line the course. They stopped, and as the shadow approached, they saw that it was a hairy, hunched-over, 7-foot-tall creature with a huge, pendulous scrotum and a massive wolf-like snout.
According to one of the teens, the now-middle-aged Carl Davis, the creature ‘looked like dang a werewolf!’ Of course, the kids turned and ran. The monster, of course, chased them. Fortunately, that night the werewolf was having a solid round and looking to finish two over par by the 8th hole, so he let them escape unharmed. Ah-hoo, werewolf of Tempe. Bollocks.
