If you’re about to launch into a life-long career as a runner (because that’s what it is, a career, and you can never quit), you are more than likely wondering what to eat before your first run. Skittles? No. Roast swan? No. An old blonde wig dipped in peanut butter? Delicious, but no. What you want to eat is our nutritious and inexplicably morish Beastly Bars™.
If you’ve already glanced at the recipe below, you might’ve foolishly assumed that Beastly Bars™ are just ordinary muesli bars with a super cool name. BZZZZT. Wrong. Beastly Bars™ are special. They were painstakingly developed by a team of culinary sports scientists dedicated to excellence in performance-enhancing nutrition. They spent literally hours in the lab, squinting through microscopes, holding beakers up to the light, and watching chimps foam at the mouth before keeling over—so you better actually make these things. It’d be rude not to. Think of Ringo, Coco, Julius, and Marty (the chimps).
What You'll Need
• 2 cups rolled oats
• 1 cup mixed seeds (sunflower, pumpkin, chia, flax)
• 1/2 cup chopped nuts (almonds, walnuts, or cashews)
• 1/4 cup honey or maple syrup
• 1 old blonde wig
• 1/4 cup peanut butter (or almond butter)
• 1/4 cup dried fruits (raisins, cranberries, apricots, dates, goji berries, banana chips, bongo fruit, whatever)
• 1/4 cup dark chocolate chips (or cocoa nibs)
• 1 tsp vanilla extract
• 1/4 tsp cinnamon
• 1 pinch of salt
• 1 cup of dark chocolate
• 1 cup of really expensive sea salt
Instructions
1. Get that oven preheated to 175°C (350°F), and dig out an 8x8-inch baking dish and line that sucker with some baking paper. Do not—I repeat—DO NOT use pages from old copies of Razzle. It's not the same.
2. Spread the oats, seeds, and nuts onto the baking paper and toast them in the oven for about 5 minutes, then shake them around a bit and toast for another 5 minutes. Total toasting time: 10 minutes. You want them to look nice and toasted, not burnt. Watch ‘em.
3. Now, in a small saucepan, slowly heat the honey or maple syrup and peanut butter over a low heat while continually stirring and stirring until it’s nice and smooth, like paint. Add in the vanilla extract, cinnamon, and that pinch of salt we mentioned.
4. Next, get a large mixing bowl and combine the toasted oats, seeds, nuts, dried fruits, and chocolate chips/cocoa nibs, then pour the warm peanut butter mixture over the dry ingredients and stir until everything is well coated and looks like muddy gravel.
5. Pour the mud gravel mixture into the baking dish with the paper (not Razzle) and use a spatula or an old number plate to press it down into the corners firmly and evenly.
6. Melt the dark chocolate and then drizzle it all over the slab like you’re Jackson Pollock but for cooking. Then evenly sprinkle that shit with the overpriced seas salt we told you to buy.
7. Refrigerate the Beastly Slab™ for 2 to 3 hours or until firm.
8. Once it has set hard, carefully lift the Beastly Slab™ out of the tray (this can be done by lifting the baking paper at the edges or turning the tray upside down) and, using a Rambo knife, cut the slab into bars. Beastly Bars™. Then, place them in an airtight container in the fridge. They’ll last about a week.
So easy and so tasty! Eat one before your run, or keep one in your sock in case you get peckish!
