In this special Start Today edition of the BS report, we’re going to tackle not one, not two, not eighteen, but seven bullshit excuses used by non-runners to not run.
If you can walk, you can run. And, while I fully acknowledge that running is physically impossible for some people, if you’re using any of the bullshit excuses listed below, you are an able-bodied unit and you can put one foot in front of the other. Then again, you might prefer to be a jackoff for the rest of your life and keep lying to yourself about what you can and can’t do. But before you commit to becoming a pathetic human scatter-cushion, I want to direct your attention to a Catalonian athlete named Àlex Roca Campillo. Àlex has cerebral palsy, and he ran the Barcelona Marathon last year with a 76% disability. Look him up. If that dude can run, you can run, too. COME ON!
‘I’m Not Fit Enough’
Yeah, duh, you’re not fit enough—you haven’t begun moving yet! Just start with walking. Then throw a couple of little jogs into your walk, then some more. Pretty soon, you’ll be punctuating those jogs with walks, and not long after that, you’ll be running like the wind. Never forget, you only live once, and there’s literally only one of YOU. Your DNA profile is the first and only one of its kind, and it will never be repeated. NEVER. This is it, man, your one chance at being the miraculous, air-sucking motherfucker you are. So, don’t shortchange yourself and the Universe with weak bullshit excuses like ‘I’m not fit enough.’ That’s so dumb.
‘I Don’t Have Time’
Okay, this is a legit excuse, but I’ll bet if you really tried, you could find one 15-to-20-minute window in your week to run around the block a couple of times. My sister raised four kids on her own while simultaneously nailing down a psychology degree, and she found time to run—and invent Post-its®. I know everyone’s situation is different, and there are, for sure, some people who are really, really screwed for time—but look inside yourself and ask, ‘Am I one of those people? Am I so genuinely time-poor that I can’t squeeze out one tiny little run each week? Or am I just being a worthless little prawn cracker bitch?’
‘I’m Too Tired’
Yeah, we’re all tired, but let me ask you this: how much time do you spend on the couch staring at your phone at the end of each day? I’ll bet it’s at least an hour. One entire hour out of your sixteen waking hours is spent helping Mark Zuckerberg fill the pantry at his doomsday compound with Beluga caviar. You’re wide awake for that shit—why can’t you get up off your fart-soaked couch for twenty minutes and go for a run? I’ll tell you why: because you’re cheating yourself. You don’t know you’re cheating yourself, though, and you don’t know that going for a run is energizing. It actually gives you energy. Ask any runner, and they’ll tell you that some of the best runs they ever had were the ones when they felt tired and didn’t wanna go. And you can’t argue with the fact that going outside and being active is a shit-sight better for your mental health and general well-being than giving your life to Mark Zuckerberg. Seriously, fuck Mark.
‘I Have Bad Knees’
Do you, though? Do you really have bad knees? How are they bad? Are they in a gang? Do they throw screwdrivers at ducks? Or are your knees perfectly good knees that are so unaccustomed to physical exertion that they naturally hurt when you do more than walk to the refrigerator to get more chocolate? You’ve got a butt-load of muscles and tendons holding your knees in place. If you begin activating those muscles and tendons, they’ll contract and tug at one another, creating stiffness in your legs and tension in your knees. It hurts. But that doesn’t mean they’re bad; it just means you need to work on getting them in register to help them do what evolution wants them to do—and that means running, running, running, and yoga and strength work, and then more running. And then maybe some chocolate.
‘I’m Too Old’
If you’re an older person and you’re still managing to have a sex life, you’re not too old to pull on some shorts and lace up. Look, no one’s expecting you to break any speed records (like you do in the bedroom. LOL), because look at you—you’re a gross old dinosaur. Just because you got a face like a witch’s elbow, though, doesn’t mean you can’t go out for a tiny little run. And I meant what I said about sex. If you can still do the horizontal rhumba, you can still run. If I remember correctly, they’re basically the same thing, only you don’t sob inconsolably after a run. So, just go for a little jog once or twice a week. It’ll restore some of that youthful vitality you thought was gone forever, and as an added bonus, it will make you better at doing the other thing (look it up). The lady in the picture is Diane Friedman, age 98.
‘It’s Boring’
It’s boring? I’ll tell you what’s boring—your attitude. And the Grateful Dead. But mostly your attitude. Snap out of it, dummy. Running is fun. The only potentially boring part is the bit where you repeat the same physical movement over and over again. That can be boring for some people. So, just run with headphones. There’s nothing wrong with listening to music or a podcast on a run. Personally, I like to listen to the pop-rock genre of music (greetings, fellow kids), but you can listen to whatever—even reggae if that’s how much you hate yourself. Running without music is not truly boring, though. It can be challenging if you’re not used to being alone with your thoughts, but after running for a while, you’ll find that your thoughts fall silent. The chatter in your head fades, and you enter a peaceful state of flow. You become the activity. It’s lovely.
‘I’ll Start Running Tomorrow’
Tomorrow never comes. Start today. Let’s go.
