For this month’s Running Stars, our very fickle and selfish special guest astrologer changed their mind at the last minute and decided to go to the hospital instead and have some third-degree burns looked at. This left us with no choice but to consult the stars ourselves.
So, what you have here is a very amateurish attempt at telling the future of the twelve types of people that exist, using the random positioning of shit floating around in space. We looked at charts, bought some binoculars, and skimmed Astro.com to get a rough idea of what might happen to you this month. If the predictions laid out below don’t line up one hundred percent with your experiences in October, we are truly sorry. We did our best to prey on your natural cognitive biases by keeping the forecasts as vague as possible. Let us go!
Aries
(March 21 - April 19)
You will be invited onto a TV show about people who look like their pets. This will make you sad because you don’t actually have a pet, you just look like a goblin shark on heroin.
Later, you will go for a run.
Taurus
(April 20 - May 20)
This month, you will be made a pariah after laughing till you follow through during a production of King Lear put on by a local retirement home.
But then you’ll go for a run.
Gemini
(May 21 - June 20)
Only when the bullet parts your hair will you realize you shouldn’t be in the farmer’s chicken coop at 3 am putting lipstick and eyeshadow on his chickens. You will definitely go for a run.
Cancer
(June 21 - July 22)
While hiking in the Sudirman Mountains of Indonesia, you will encounter a witch who will turn you into a spider. The spell will be broken when the police arrive and you realize you’re at the public library on acid, and you’ve smeared shit over all the chairs. No runs for you.
Leo
(July 23 - August 22)
You will die... Of shame! When you realize you wore one black sock and one navy sock to your recent Compulsive Masturbators Anonymous meeting. Then you will go for a run.
Virgo
(August 23 - September 22)
This month, a street performer and his puppet will make fun of your voice in front of a large crowd. You will be deeply shamed, and your children will no longer be able to look you in the eye. Going for a run will not help.
Libra
(September 23 - October 22)
This month, a wrong turn will leave you trapped in a small, windowless room containing a polythene bag filled with human hair, a jar of Vaseline, and Frankie Muniz from the hit comedy Malcolm in the Middle. You won’t be able to run.
Scorpio
(October 23 - November 21)
Ninjas will break into your dojo this month and piss all over the trophy cabinet. You will have no choice but to take matters into your own hands and write a stern letter to their sensei. Then you’ll run it off.
Sagittarius
(November 22 - December 21)
The ghost of pop artist Andy Warhol will assault you with a golf club in your sleep, but no one will believe you, and your manuscript, Warhol in One, will not be picked up by Harper Collins. But you will go for a run.
Capricorn
(December 22 - January 19)
You will arrive home from work to discover someone has spray painted ‘Sex Pest’ across the front of your home. Initially, this will confuse and infuriate you, but then you’ll remember all the times you pestered people for sex. You can’t run.
Aquarius
(January 20 - February 18)
This month, a strange skin disease will strike down everyone in the village but you. This will lead the townsfolk to believe that you spread the mysterious disease to stop them auditioning for Moose Pecker Falls’ Got Talent. You should run.
Pisces
(February 19 - March 20)
A phone call from an old friend will have you dusting off your synthesizer and thinking about getting your grunge/funk tribute band, Pearl Jamiroquai, back together. Don’t do that. Go for a run instead.
