Welcome to Welcome to Earth, the department where we answer a running-related question sent in by an extraterrestrial.
This month’s letter comes from a fellow named Borborygmus Rex:
Dear POSSESSED,
My planet, Kickawizardsdick, is almost a perfect mirror image of Earth. Our sun is exactly 150.4 million kilometers away, our gravitational field strength is 9.80665 m/s2, and, like you, we’ve been able to radiometrically determine our planet’s age as being roughly 4.543 billion years old. So, with Kickawizardsdick being the same as Earth—and with Kickawizardsdickians having much the same physiology as humans—I figured I might start running. How do I do that?
All the best,
Borborygmus Rex
Thanks for your letter, Borborygmus Rex. Here’s a five-point breakdown of how to get started.
Get Some Shoes
Shoes are the only thing you should shell out for when you decide to begin running. Which shoes? Great question, and one that is best answered by the nerd at your local running store. If you want, you can go to one of those shops where they put you on a treadmill and recommend a shoe based on how stupid you feel, but if that sounds a bit dramatic, just ask the skinniest dude with the best mustache—he’ll know what shoes you need. Failing that, you can jump on Reddit and ask the running shoe psychopaths over there. Don’t sweat your other kit: cotton t-shirts are fine, and whatever shorts are fine, too. You’ll eventually crave better stuff, but just worry about getting the right shoes for now.
Make A Plan
You don’t have to print out an Excel spreadsheet and stick it to the fridge, but it’s good to have a bit of a plan. You should aim for at least two runs per week, and lock in specific days as your run days. Don’t skitter about all over the calendar. You need to be consistent to form the habit. And don’t worry about increasing millage; you’ll know when it’s time to run further because you’ll actually want to run further. And faster. And you’ll want to talk about it. And you will elicit groans. It’s recommended that you record your runs on Strava (with your phone until you realize you need a watch) so you can see your stats and monitor your progress. A lot of new runners avoid Strava because they’re spooked by the idea of people judging them, but—news flash—you can hide your activity on the app so no one knows how much you suck.
Warm Up
You got your new shoes, found some shorts, and dug out that old Garfield t-shirt with the spaghetti stain. Now what? Now you warm-up.
Warming up will help prevent injury by giving your body an opportunity to go, ‘Oh. Okay, I guess we’re gonna run for the first time since we found out there’s no Santa Claus.’ If you haven’t run for a long time, the miraculous machine that shuttles your soul about the place (your body) is not going to like it at all. Think of yourself as an old lawnmower that hasn’t been started up since the day it found out Santa Claus isn’t real. Weeds are growing up through your blades, you’re covered in rust, and spiders have made their home in your various nooks and crannies. Warming up is like hosing away the cobwebs and dusting off your sparkplug before yanking the starter cord. Check out the warm-up suggestions in this month’s Highway to Health.
Run & Walk
When you first start running, you might be tempted to go as fast as possible. This, Borborygmus Rex from the planet Kickawizardsdick, is a mistake. There’s a good chance you will hurt yourself if you overdo it. In fact, I’m just gonna go ahead and say you are definitely going to fuck yourself up. And if you’re stuck recovering from an injury after only a couple of runs, the chances of you risking it again are very slim, and that’s why there’s no shame in stopping to walk a bit. Honestly. I know that sounds lame, but you can’t force yourself to be fit. I started running because my annoying ex-girlfriend made me go running with her. She was fit and fast, and I was slow and ready to die after 300 meters. It was like that for a long time. Eventually, though, I was the fast one, and pretty soon we couldn’t run together because she was (and remains) slower than a sloth that just chugged a pint of expired cough syrup. This is the goal: be faster than your ex. Sadly, you can’t achieve that overnight. Slow and steady progression is the only way, so don’t hesitate to walk when it gets too much (but don’t go for a walk).
Get Out There
The biggest barrier for potential new runners is self-consciousness. Many people never start running because they fear being judged negatively by complete strangers. Isn’t that sad? But here are the five magic words that will set you free from that self-imposed cage of crippling paranoia: No One Gives A Shit. It’s true. No one cares whether you’re running, walking, or riding a pogo stick in a G-string. If I don’t know you, you’re just another NPC in a world populated by mostly NPCs. Everyone is thinking about themselves and their own lives—what you look like running couldn’t be less important. And if you see some seasoned runners out on the streets, don't worry—they’ll always be thinking ‘Hell yeah,’ because they know the journey, and they know it’s worth it.
Good luck!
