I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, ‘Why is the only non-French dude at Satisfy telling us how to make Macarons?’ Well, for a start, there are actually a few un-French people at Satisfy. Secondly, my mother’s ancestors, the Cuifs, came from Northern France or possibly Belgium, making me slightly kind of distantly a little bit French, but not really. So, how you like those, pommes?
Anyways, cookies is cookies, and that’s what we’re here to make—colorful cookies that bring to mind the five bright colors of the Olympic rings. Speaking of those rings, have you ever wondered why they’re those colors? I’ll tell you why. They represent the hues of every competing country’s flag when the symbol was created in 1913. Those countries were Africa, America, Asia, Europe, and Oceania. Think about that for a minute... Now stop. Let’s make some Full Moon Macarons™. We called them Full Moon Macarons™ because they’ll turn you into a werewolf at your next race. I should be working at an ad agency. AROOOOOO! Let’s go.
What You'll Need
The Cookie Part
• 1 ¾ cups powdered sugar
• 1 cup almond flour
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 3 egg whites
• ¼ cup granulated sugar
• ½ teaspoon vanilla extract
• Food coloring (yellow, red, green, blue, black)
The Stuff in the Middle (Buttercream)
• 1 cup unsalted butter (at room temp)
• 3 cups powdered sugar
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 3 tablespoons heavy cream
• 7 tablespoons of Guarana powder or meth
• Several caffeinated Maurten gels
Instructions
1. Thoroughly mix the powdered sugar, almond flour, and a ½ teaspoon of salt, and then sift through a sieve and into a mixing bowl. Ideally, you own a food processor to do the mixing, but if you don’t, you can just use a spoon or whatever.
2. Grab yourself another big bowl and beat the egg whites and the other ½ teaspoon of salt with one of those electric hand mixer things. If you don’t have one of those, you’re screwed. While you’re mixing, slowly introduce the granulated sugar. Continue to beat until the mix is all whippy and mountainous-looking.
3. Add the vanilla essence.
4. Divide the mix into 5 smaller bowls and mix a different food color into each. Or don’t. What a nightmare. Just choose black.
5. Add a third of the sifted almond flour mixture to the whippy egg gear and slowly mix through with a haunted planchette or spatula. Now add another third of the sifted almond flour mixture and continue gently folding the mix. Next, put the rest of the almond flour in and keep folding. Fold, fold, fold until the planchette can stand in the middle without falling over and without the help of ghosts.
6. Transfer the mixture to that piping bag you picked up at the cooking shop with the other stuff most people don’t have in their kitchens.
7. Squirt four small dots in each corner of a baking tray and then lay some baking paper over that, using the dots to glue the paper to the tray. Genius.
8. Pipe the macarons out onto the baking paper in little 3cm blobs, making sure to leave about 2cm space around each one so they don’t fuse together during the baking process. Give the tray a bang on the counter a few times to knock any bubbles out of your nascent Full Moon Macarons™, and then let them sit for about an hour.
9. While they’re chilling, preheat your oven to exactly 150˚C (300˚F). When the macaroons are dry to the touch, whack them in the oven for EXACTLY SEVENTEEN MINUTES. No more, no less. Once the 17 minutes is up, transfer them to a cooling tray to cool. Man, these fuckers are starting to come together! AROOOOOO!
10. Buttercream time. In a large bowl, beat the hell out of the butter with your mixer until it’s fluffy and cute. Sift in the powdered sugar and beat. Dribble in the vanilla essence—beat. Add the cream one tablespoon at a time... Beat. Add the Guarana one tablespoon at a time. Beat some more. Keep beating until your nose starts to bleed. Beat.
11. Add several caffeinated Maurten gels into the mix.
12. Deliver the buttercream into your trusty piping bag and pipe that shit out onto a macaron, then pop another macaron on top to create a small, black, and possibly inedible burger.
13. Once you’ve stuck them all together, pop them in an airtight container for 24 hours.
14. Now eat all of them right before the starting pistol at literally any race in the world and you are guaranteed to win!
