Running sucks and everyone is boring. Where are the desperados? Where are the renegades? Why aren’t there any outlaws in our sport? Seems every other corner of athletics has its badasses, but running is just a whole bunch of slack-jawed conformist sheeple. Anton Krupicka? Yeah, he walks (runs) to the beat of his own drum, but he’s not an outlaw! Anton isn’t sticking it to ‘the man.’ Where is the James Dean of Ultrarunning? Where is the Willie Nelson of marathons? Technically, Willie Nelson is the Willie Nelson of the marathons (Willie was an avid runner), but you know what I mean. Where is the Joan Jett of the running world? They don’t exist. But then maybe they do... Wait a minute. Maybe it’s YOU!
Here are seven ways you can defy the traditional, self-policed norms of running and become the biggest badass outlaw motherfucker on two legs.
1. Delete Strava and Throw Out Your Watch.
This is the first stop on your way to becoming a genuine badass. It’s the ultimate outlaw move: delete Strava and throw your watch off a cliff. ‘How far did I run today?’ No idea, man, because it’s not about collecting units of length when you’re a frickin’ outlaw. Now you just run until you don’t feel like running anymore. ‘But how will I ever know if I’m a Local Legend?’ Oh, you’ll know. Everyone will know. Because you’ll have a mohawk. ‘But I’m missing out on Max Jolliffe’s daily meme post!’ Who cares? You’re an outlaw! Sure, Max brings the spice, but you’re the Ted Kaczynski of running now... Sort of.
2. Start Gatecrashing Races
This year, the NY Marathon costs $300 to enter. That’s only marginally cheaper than Taylor Swift tickets. Why pay $300 to enter a marathon when you could just jump the fence and run for free? Lots of people do it, but you’re different because you’re not an asshole with a fake bib accepting a medal at the end—you’re the guy with the cowboy hat and the t-shirt that says ‘$300? Eat My Ass’, and when you cross the finish line, you just keep on runnin’. Seriously, though, don’t accept a medal at the end. That’s shitty. Also, maybe don’t gatecrash races. A lot of effort goes into organizing these events, and you really are a piece of shit if you enter it illegally. Unless, of course, you can win. If you can win, definitely, definitely jump the fence. For extra outlaw points, run that shit backward like a salmon.
3. Launch Your Own Outlaw Race
There’s a butt-load of unsanctioned ‘Outlaw’ races these days, but if you ask us, they’re all playing it safe. ‘Oh, we’re throwing out the rule book and meeting up at a secret location to run from point A to point B—and we haven’t even asked if we’re allowed!’ Cowards. And then they drop an over-stylized, 45-frame story on Instagram just so everyone knows they’re ‘hardcore.’ How about growing a pair and designing a race that does something genuinely dangerous, like twenty laps of the Castro in MAGA hats? That’s outlaw as fuck. Or what about an unsanctioned race through a bee farm, but you have to dip your tits in honey halfway? Badass. Better yet, why don’t one of you edgetarians design a race that cuts through Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson’s backyard? That’s three legit gnarly race ideas right off the top of my head. Let’s fuckin’ go, you yellow-belly, prawn-cracker bitch-boys.
4. Become the Marathon Streaker
Back in the day, you couldn’t turn on your television without seeing a story about someone getting drunk and running naked through a sporting event. It used to happen all the time. I just Googled ‘Streaker’ and there was one at a football game in Australia a couple of weeks ago, but the guy was fully clothed. That’s not streaking. What a jerk-off. If you’re going to streak—and become the notorious Marathon Streaker—you must do it properly. Here’s what you do. First, train up so you’re as fast as you can get. Next, you sit up all night at the sewing machine, creating special shorts you can rip off like a stripper. Then, at mile 13 of the New York City Marathon that you’re gatecrashing, yank off your top, whip off your shorts, scream ‘BANZAI!’ and run the rest of that bitch backward like a goddamn salmon.
5. Write Your Outlaw Manifesto
It’s all good and well to delete Strava and start running around in the nude, but people won’t know what you’re doing if you don’t put your ideas and beliefs down on paper and then make 10,000 staple-bound photocopies to hand out at UTMB. Start your manifesto with ‘My name is (come up with a cool name; ‘Zeus’ or ‘Lobo’ is good), and this is my outlaw manifesto...’ Then just write about how you threw out your watch and you don’t give a fuck anymore. When you’re writing this thing, you really gotta bring the ‘tude, so make sure to use as many ‘fuck’s and ‘fucking’s as you can. Otherwise, no one will take you fucking seriously.
6. Send Your Outlaw Manifesto to Runner’s World
Runner's World
c/o Hearst UK
30 Panton Street
London SW1Y 4AJ
7. Quit Running and See a Therapist
No one’s done that yet. That'd be pretty badass...
