Your Running Stars

The Badass Month Ahead

A few issues back we contacted the Greek foot messenger Pheidippides (the accidental inventor of the modern marathon) and had him do The Running Stars. We reached him via Ouija board (he’s been dead for, like, ages), and even though it took forever to write everything down as the planchet slowly slid about the board, it was totally worth it. Totally. So, for this Outlaw Issue of POSSESSED, we thought why not reach out into the ether and commune with another famous figure: the original outlaw, Jesse James? 

Unfortunately, the Ouija wasn’t able to locate Jesse James, and we ended up with some asshole from 2003 named Steve.


(March 21 - April 19)

Booyah! What’s the haps my dudes? It’s me, Steve. I’m talking to you from beyond the grave. What I miss? Oh. Aries. Go for a run or whatever. Does this place have Busch on tap? Where am I?


(April 20 - May 20)

Taurus dude. I don’t know, dude. Maybe this isn’t your month. You’ve probably got bone spurs or some shit. Psych. You good, my dawg. I’m Steve. Wassup.


(May 21 - June 20)

Sup, dude. Sup. It’s me, Steve. Sup. Gemini: running this month is going to be really, really hard... That’s what she said. Ha-ha-ha-ha. For real, though, I’m Steve. Sup.


(June 21 - July 22)

Cancer. You’re all that and a bag of chips—catch you at Brad's kegger.


(July 23 - August 22)

Leo... Leo... Didn’t I beat up some guy named Leo in the Chick-fil-A parking lot in 1997 because my dad never told me he loved me? Wait... Duuuude. We should get some nuggets.


(August 23 - September 22)

Virgo? Bro, you’re the Virgo. Everyone knows it.


(September 23 - October 22)

Libra. What’s good, homeskillet. You thought this was gonna be a big month for running, but guess what? Booyah! You rolled ya ankle. Let’s get crunk. Where my MILFs at?


(October 23 - November 21)

Scorpio. Doctor Steve says chillax. No need to make every run a tempo run, bro. This month, just to chillax.


(November 22 - December 21)

Oh, snap. Sagittarius. Running is gonna be off the chain this month, for reals. 


(December 22 - January 19)

Bro, I gotta do twelve of these? I deadass thought it was only eight. 


(January 20 - February 18)

Aquarius. You think you’re the bomb-dot-com, but you’re gonna get pwned at the track next week—that’s what she said. Am I right? Fuck it. I’m Steve, y’heard. 


(February 19 - March 20)

It’s been wicked sick. Steve out.