Eat it

How to Make POSSESSED Perky Jerky®

If you’re going to run, you’re going to need sodium, and there’s only one place we know of where you can get all the sodium you need, and that place is called Jerky. And for this Outlaw Issue of POSSESSED, we’re gonna teach you how to make your own Perky Jerky®, ‘cause that’s outlaw shit.

What’s Perky Jerky®? It’s cowboy food, brother, and when you’re running and sweating, and your sodium levels begin to dip, the best thing you can do is reach into your shorts and tear off a piece of heavily salted dried meat. But before we get into this recipe for Perky Jerky®, let’s look at sodium and why staying salty is essential.

There’s a shitload of different electrolytes inside you, but the main ones you lose in sweat are magnesium, potassium, calcium, and sodium—mostly sodium. Electrolytes allow your cells to conduct the electrical charges needed to make your muscles work. It’s actually too complicated to get into here, but just know that electrolytes keep your body equilibrious, if I’m using that word correctly, and sodium plays a critical role in ensuring you have optimal fluid balance.

Now, because athletes sweat more than non-athletes, they need more sodium. A regular person needs about 1500 mg of sodium to get through the day. Runners need more than that, but how much exactly depends on the individual, the volume of activity they’re engaging in, and the climate. As a general rule, your body will tell you it needs salt by making you crave salty things. However, when you’re out there on the sweltering prairie, FKTing like a motherfucker, you might not notice your salt levels beginning to dwindle, so it’s good to have some Perky Jerky® stuffed in your socks to stay topped up. What makes it perky? The name. Here’s how to make it. 

Forgive us, Morrissey.

What You'll Need

• 1-2 pounds of lean beef (ask your butcher)

• 1/4 cup soy sauce (preferably Kikkoman, the champagne of soy sauces)

• 2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce (preferably Holbrooks, the Midori of Worcestershire sauces)

• 2 tablespoons brown sugar

• 1 teaspoon garlic powder

• 1 teaspoon onion powder

• 1 teaspoon black pepper

• 1 teaspoon cayenne pepper (more if you’re feeling extra perky)

•1/2 teaspoon liquid smoke (it’s real)


1. Slap your beef down and trim off all the fat. We don’t need it. Once the fat is gone, put that bloody slab in the freezer for about 30 minutes. Don’t freeze it completely; just firm it up so that it’s easier to cut into strips. Once it’s firmed up, cut the meat into ¼-inch thick trips—thinner if you want crispier jerky. Hot tip: Cut against the grain to make it easier to chew.

2. In a bowl, mix all the ingredients. Not the meat. Just the other stuff, including the liquid smoke, which I can’t believe is real, either. Apparently, you can buy it at the supermarket. It’s made from smoke dew or something. Sounds gross, but it’ll make this Perky Jerky® taste halfway decent. Mix up all the ingredients until the sugar is dissolved.

3. Next! Put your meat strips into a large Ziplock bag or a bowl you can seal up, and pour the marinade all over those suckers, making sure they’re all covered. Now pop that in the refrigerator overnight. Check in after six or seven hours and toss them around a bit. No reason. Just do it.

4. In the morning, after you’ve drank some coffee and had your mood brought down by Instagram, preheat your oven to 80°C (175°F), drain the marinade, and pat your beef strips down with paper towel. Don’t press down and squeeze the juice out; just give them a dab to remove excess marinade. Place the strips across your oven rack, but not in a tray. The heat needs to circulate the nascent Perky Jerky®. Slip the rack into the preheated oven and find something to do for 4 to 6 hours that doesn’t involve pornography or arson.

5. Towards the end of the 4 to 6 hours, it’s a good idea to check in with your Perky Jerky® to make sure you don’t overcook it. You can test where it’s at by bending a piece: If it snaps, it’s overdone. You blew it. Nice going. If it bends and cracks a little and reminds you of leather—that, my friend is Perky Jerky®! Get it out of the oven and let it cool.

Once your Perky Jerky® has cooled down, slip a couple of pieces behind your ear and hit the trail. Delicious.