There’s not a running magazine in the world that hasn’t cobbled together a tired-ass ‘Celebrities that Run!’ story featuring the usual suspects (Ryan Reynolds, Heidi Klum, Kevin Heart, et al.), but how many running rags have published a ‘Celebrities That Need To Run’ story? None. Not one. Until now, that is. This being the POSSESSED Music Issue, we carefully selected five famous musicians who, for various reasons, need to pull on some shorts and get serious. Let’s go.
NICK CAVE: ULTRA RUNNER
With his 6’ 2” frame, estimated 76kg body weight (thank you, www.healthyceleb.com), and the determined countenance of a goblin playing Boggle, Nick Cave committed a mortal sin by never entering Western States. Look at Nick Cave. God designed that big, lanky sumnabitch for ultras. At first, we thought he’d be a great marathoner, but when we realized there are very few champion marathoners over 6 feet tall, we decided he’d be better suited to running longer, rockier distances (with his hair in a high pony maybe, up to him). Whether he gets into ultras or not, Nick Cave should run—he’s been singing about it for years: ‘City of Refuge’ from the 1988 Bad Seeds album Tender Prey mentions the word ‘run’ no less than 90 times. That’s a sign. Lace-up, Cave.
MARIAH CAREY: TRACK STAR
Every holiday season for the past thirty years, Mariah Carey has received a $2.5 million royalty cheque for her Yuletide hit ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’. Which is great, but how about getting serious with some spikes and making your way down to the track, lady? Mariah Carey is Olympic gold, and she doesn’t even know it. I mean, come on, she would smash the 400. Call us crazy, but now that we’ve said it, you can’t NOT see Mariah at the blocks, shaking her legs out and doing that pained smile/wave thing for the camera as it moves down the starting line. To be fair, Katy Perry, Christina Aguilera, and Miley Cyrus look like they’d crush the Women’s 400m at the Summer Olympics 2024, too, but we chose Mariah Carey because she’s Mariah Carey and duh.
MORRISSEY: COUCH TO 5K
If there’s one guy who could afford to burn up some calories, it’s Morrissey. On balance, he’s in pretty good condition for a sixty-four-year-old vegan with an attitude problem and a physical burden of approximately 85kg, but let’s consider the mental health benefits of running for Morrissey. If Steven Patrick Morrissey had started going for a trot in, say, 1981, he’d more than likely be a happier, nicer person now, with no history of offending Muslims or the Chinese. But, then again, if Morrissey had gotten into running way back when, we definitely wouldn’t have The Smiths—or at least The Smiths as we know and love them. I was going for a jog and then I had a jog, and heaven knows I feel terrific and totally chill and not at all miserable nowwww. It’s not the same. Smiths guitarist Johnny Marr has been running since 1996, and he looks fantastic and hasn’t offended a soul. Maybe give Mozz a call, Johnny?
TAYLOR SWIFT: RUNFLUENCER
She’s easy on the eye, fit as a fiddle, and about as media savvy as 50 Rupert Murdochs (gross) . For these reasons, we think Taylor Swift should ditch the whole pop star with a net worth of 1.1 Billion thing and become a runfluencer. As a runfluencer, Taylor would enjoy many, many perks, including (but not limited to) free shoes, free apparel, free energy gels, free skin products, free race entry, and free dopamine from all the likes on social media—provided she makes videos featuring authentic and supernaturally flattering reviews of all the free shit she gets: ‘Guys, I mean it, these beta-2 agonists are AMAAAAZING.’ She could also totally forgo the whole runfluencer thing and choose to keep killing it as a 33-year-old billionaire pop star. It’s her life. She can ruin it how she wants.
DANZIG: MARATHONER
Despite how svelte he looks in the pic, Danzig is your classic marathon slab. We’ve all seen this dude: he’s built like a bar fridge but can still finish sub-3. That’s Glen Danzig all over. At 5' 3", Glenn doesn’t have a whole lot of Glenn to carry across the finish line. He’d be that guy in the black mesh singlet and 1.5” shorts that you overtake at the 8-kilometer mark, but then he chugs past you at kilometer 37 with a big smile on his face while humming ‘Ride of the Valkyries’. Then you see him cross the finish line and realize he forgot to press start on his watch, and now he’s fucking furious, man, and he's looking to take it out on race officials, ranting about how there weren’t enough water stations or something. Then everyone gets embarrassed for him, so he just starts doing push-ups and then storms off with an armload of fruit. Classic marathon slab. Get it, Glenn!
