Because we love you and want the best for you no matter what, this month’s Running Stars are being presented by Pheidippides via Ouija Board and translated from the ancient Greek with Google Translate.
Pheidippides was the Athenian herald who, in 490 BC, accidentally invented what we now call the ‘Marathon’ when he ran from a battlefield near the town of Marathon all the way to Athens (some 40-odd kilometers) to deliver the news that the Greek army had defeated the invading Persians. ‘Dudes!’ Pheidippides is said to have said, ‘We won!’ Then he promptly keeled over and died. Pheidippides is a national hero and his legacy lives on in the many marathons held annually around the world. We called him up on the ol’ spirit board and got him to run through this month’s Running Stars. Take it away, Pheidippides!
‘Yassou! It’s ya boy Pheidippides coming to you live and direct from the Elysium Fields—that’s Heaven to you, you barbarian! Πάμε! (let’s go)'
ARIES
(March 21-April 19)
Aries! First, let me just say I could murder a spanakopita the size of Alexandroupoli right now. I haven’t eaten a thing since I kicked the bucket 2500 years ago. It sucks. Anyway, what are we doing... Oh, yeah. Aries. I don’t know. You’ll likely go for a run this month and everything will be fine. You certainly won’t die of exhaustion like I did. WOW.
TAURUS
(April 20-May 20)
Taurus! My guy. You wanna know what’s gonna happen to you this month? Okay, let me think about it... Hmm. Wait. Nope. I got nothing. Wanna know why? Because I’m dead, that’s why. What do I know about you and your bullshit life, malákas? Oh, look, there’s Jimmy Buffett... JIMMY! WHAT’S UP, FOOL!
GEMINI
(May 21-June 20)
I see David Bowie all the time. He’s up here, strumming his guitar and singing Tin Machine songs. It’s like he doesn’t know that we all know Tin Machine sucked. A couple of weeks ago, Frank Lloyd Wright asked him to play ‘Space Oddity’ and he went into a sulk. Anyway, Gemini... I don’t know. Shin splints to the neck. Whatever.
CANCER
(June 21-July 22)
You know what really gets up my μύτη? Everyone raving about that Kipchoge running the marathon in 2:01:39. Big deal. Look up how quickly I did it. You won’t be able to find anything because no one recorded it besides me, so I’ll tell you: I ran that sucker in 1:47:22. Not only that—I did it in the nude with no shoes! Where’s my AlphaFly Next% colorway? Bullshit.
LEO
(July 23-August 22)
We have movie night up here every Thursday, and last week we watched that new Scorsese flick. Oh, my gods. What a yawn! Phillip Seymour Hoffman fell asleep, so we saw how much popcorn we could fit in his mouth. It was hilarious. Leo: this month, you’ll do the same thing as whatever Cancer did.
VIRGO
(August 23-September 22)
You know would have been nice? Living to the ripe old age of 60. But instead, I ran until my heart exploded at age 40. Still, I shouldn’t complain. 40 is pretty good for someone born in 530 BC. I’m just a bit bummed I missed the invention of the spiral staircase in 480 BC. Meh. Shit happens. Virgo: blah, blah, blah.
LIBRA
(September 23-October 22)
You know who’s a big ol’ dickhead? Zeus. He sucks. David Foster Wallace was asking if he could get a laptop last week and Zeus vetoed it. No reason. He’s just wanted to be a prick. Unreal. Libra: same as last month. Next!
SCORPIO
(October 23-November 21)
You won’t believe this, but Mother Teresa ain't here. Never seen her. I’m not saying she’s having a dip in the River Styx, I’m just telling you she’s not here. Neither is Margaret Thatcher. You know who is here, though? Jeff from Slayer! Last week he showed me Dropped-D tuning. Love that dude. Scorpio... nuthin’.
SAGITARIUS
(November 22-December 21)
Oh, man, Sagittarius, what a month you’ve got coming up doing whatever you do in whatever order it happens with all the various resultant circumstances or whatever. I feel like we should drop a couple of months from the calendar and just add those extra days to other months. I don’t know how Susan Miller does this shit. Saggy-tarius? I got nuthin’.
CAPRICORN
(December 22-January 19)
One time I was riding Seabiscuit around Elysium and throwing fruit at whoever, and guess who I saw trying to kiss Freddie Mercury? Fred Phelps from the Westboro Baptist church. Freddie wasn’t having it. I told Liberace, and he laughed and said, ‘Looks like my brother George owes me fifty bucks.’ Capricorn: you’ll trip over a frog and hurt yourself.
AQUARIUS
(January 20-February 18)
Speaking of frogs, Jim Henson is running a puppet workshop tonight. I don’t know if I’m gonna go. I don’t really dig puppets. They give me the creeps. But Jayne Mansfield asked me if I wanted to go... tbh, I think she’s feelin’ the kid. I got some shaving to do. Aquarius: leave me alone.
PISCES
(February 19-March 20)
Listen, I better go. I got band practice. I’m in a super-group with John Bonham, Andy Rourke, Andrés Segovia, and Jeff from Slayer. I sing. We’re called Pearl Neck Brace. Anyway, Pheidippideez-nuts. I’m out.
