Welcome to the Bullshit Report, the department where we seek out running-related bullshit and call bullshit on it. If this was a T.V. show, it’d be a bit like Unsolved Mysteries, except Robert Stack would say, ‘Tonight on the B.S. Report, ultra champions Scott Jurek and Jim Walmsley—are they the same person? Of course not. That’s bullshit,’ and then he’d slam a filing cabinet drawer, fart, and walk off screen.
For a long time now, people have noted that Scott and Jim look really, really similar, and in dopier corners of the internet, rumors have circulated that they are actually one person named either Jim Jurek, Scott Walmsley, or Dirty Steve. Ridiculous. It is true that Scott and Jim look so alike that if a DNA test established that they were twins separated at birth, no one would be the least surprised—but the same person? That’s bullshit, and here’s why.
Style
One of the first things to torpedo the ‘Same Dude’ theory is style. If Scott and Jim were one person, that person would have to change his posture, foot strike, cadence, arm swing, hip position, knee drive, breathing, and every other aspect of his form, depending on who he was racing as that day. So, for example, if this charlatan was racing as Scott, he’d have to maintain a slight lean forward from the ankles, shorter controlled strides, and a focus on being relaxed to conserve energy. However, if he was racing as Jim, he’d need to employ a far more pronounced forward lean, a longer stride, and a more aggressive focus on speed and power. I challenge anyone to completely flip their running form for even 3 kilometers, let alone several hundred. Bullshit.
Height
Next, let’s look at Scott and Jim’s height. There is definitely a significant vertical difference between them, and anyone who says otherwise is probably a flat-earther and a jackoff. While it’s true they’ve never stood back-to-back for the purposes of discovering who’s tallest, you only have to flip through an ultrarunning magazine to note that one guy is definitely taller than the other. It is, however, hard to say exactly who is taller because they are virtually identical, but there’s no question that only one of them can wash the top of a car.
Ponytail
The internet is lousy with ye olde photos of Scott Jurek and his outrageously luxuriant ponytail, but there are no known images of Jim Walmsley sporting the same ‘do. The conspiracy theory is this: the ponytail—described by Jenny Jurek as both ‘long-ass’ and ‘frizzy’—was a clip-on ponytail. But you have to ask yourself why Scott/Jim would choose that disguise to throw folks off the scent. Surely, a wildly voluminous main of exploding curls fastened to the back of the head would be your last choice for a disguise—it’d slow you down like a parachute on the back of a dragster. If they really are the same person, a fake moustache, eye-patch, third nipple, or stick-on ICP tattoo would be a wiser form of camouflage.
Language
This person pretending to be both Jim and Scott must be a terrific actor because while Jim Walmsley has never finished a sentence without saying, ‘bitch,’ Scott never curses at all. In fact, the last time Scott Jurek uttered anything vaguely profane was in 2003, when his crocheted footbag—or ‘hacky sack’—split open and he said, ‘Flapjacks!’ which is nowhere near as bad as ‘Twat-waffle’, ‘Shit-skittle’, or any of the other expletives Jim peppers his speech with. Imagine trying to switch back and forth between the goodly Scott Jurek and Jim ‘Sailor’s Mouth’ Walmsley every time you did a post-race interview. Get serious.
Sausage
Jim identifies as a Capricorn, and according to Cosmopolitan magazine, that means he is ‘dedicated, motivated, and steadfast,’ and the best crystals for him are garnet and black tourmaline. Cosmopolitan also notes that his ‘love anthem’ (whatever that means) is ‘Perfect’ by Ed Sheeran. This sounds about right. ‘Scott’, on the other hand, is a Scorpio, which, in Cosmo Cat Lady Land, makes him ‘intense, passionate, and emotional,’ and spiritually aligned with topaz and lapis lazuli. But get this: his ‘love anthem’ is ‘Cherry Pie’ by Warrant. Ed Sheeran and Warrant? Ding-dong. Wake up and smell the Voltaren (actually, scratch all of that; it doesn’t make sense).
Bologna
Fact: Scott Jurek does not eat animal products. The man is vegan and has been vegan for many, many years. Jim Walmsley, on the other hand, is the founder of Big Jim’s Baloney Days, the world’s largest annual festival celebrating processed meats.
Pineapple
The last and most glaringly obvious proof that Scott Jurek and Jim Walmsley are two distinctly different people is this: Only one of them is going to issue us with a cease and desist for this demented horseshit masquerading as journalism. On behalf of POSSESSED magazine, I, Chris Penis, would like to formally apologize to Jim for making stuff up about him being the foul-mouthed Sausage King of Arizona, and I would also like to apologize to any readers who feel they could have done something more useful with their time. We had fun though, didn’t we?
Ah, flapjacks.
