For this special Zach Miller-themed issue of POSSESSED, we decided to outsource Your Running Stars to a genuine, bona fide, top-shelf, A-grade Pennsylvanian: Punxsutawney Phil. It doesn’t get much more PA than that little groundhog living in stump on Gobbler’s Knob, and what better way to honour the man of the hour (Zach) than with a psychic marmot and some excessive suspension of disbelief.
We reached out to one of Punxsutawney Phil’s handlers (from the Punxsutawney ‘Inner Circle’) and were told (on grounds of anonymity) that even though Phil normally only predicts the weather, he would probably be able to predict the course of everyone’s lives based on their birthdates and the arbitrary positioning of planets. We’d like to thank Steve Pianka from the Punxsutawney Chamber of Commerce for making his way up to Gobbler’s Knob and taking down the following prognostications from Phil the groundhog.
Aries
(March 21 - April 19)
Aries! May will be an excellent month to sign up for your first 50km trail race! Go gently with your training, though. The mild discomfort in your left ankle could worsen if you over do it. Train smart and— Jiminy crickets—you might even win!
Taurus
(April 20 - May 20)
Why not sign up for your first 50km trail race in May? If you do, be sure to approach your training with caution, especially considering your left ankle. There's a better chance of victory if your train with care! Jeepers creepers!
Gemini
(May 21 - June 20)
Gemini, it’s May, and today is the day you should register for your debut 50km trail race. This is your month! However, be cautious during training, as the pain in your left ankle may worsen with excessive exertion. Play it safe, and—oh my stars—you might win!
Cancer
(June 21 - July 22)
May offers all Cancerians a prime opportunity to enter their first 50km trail race—But proceed with care in your training. That left ankle situation could escalate if not managed properly. Be strategic and—golly gee—you may even emerge victorious!
Leo
(July 23 - August 22)
I might be a woodchuck, but I reckon you should consider signing up for your first 50km trail race this month. Be mindful of your training intensity, though, especially given that superficial pain in your left ankle. If you train judiciously, you could win!
Virgo
(August 23 - September 22)
Virgo, believe me when I say May is an ideal time to register for your first 50km trail race. You might think that that mild discomfort in your left ankle will worsen if you do, but if you train prudently, there’s strong a chance for triumph! Hot damn!
Libra
(September 23 - October 22)
It’s May, and if you’re considering entering your first 50km trail race, do it! This is your month! Take it easy with your training, though, considering the ankle thing (the left ankle). You don’t want that to exacerbate that with overexertion. Train wisely, and—holy moly—success may be around the bend!
Scorpio
(October 23 - November 21)
Scorpio! This is the perfect month for you to enter that 50km trail race you’ve been thinking about, so sign up and start training! Jumpin’ Jehoshaphat—you might even win! Watch that left ankle, though. Something’s goin’ on there.
Sagittarius
(November 22 - December 21)
Would it be imprudent to suggest you consider participating in a 50km trail race this May? No. It would be prudent. Be sure to train cautiously, though—that left ankle is actin’ fishy. Land sakes alive! You could win!
Capricorn
(December 22 - January 19)
Hey Capricorn! Why not consider enrolling in your first 50km trail race? I think this is your month! Take it easy with that left ankle, though (what’s happening with that?). Train intelligently, and—gadzooks—you might take home a trophy with your name on it!
Aquarius
(January 20 - February 18)
Your first 50km trail race? Well, I'll be jiggered! Sign up now! However, keep an eye on that mild discomfort in your left ankle! It could worsen if you over do it. Train wisely, and you might even win! Yowzers!
Pisces
(February 19 - March 20)
There’s a 50km trail race with your name on it this month! If you enter it you might win! Be careful, though—holy smokes—that left ankle looks like shit.
