Welcome to Your Running Stars. You’re probably a little exhausted by the relentless twaddle we’ve been churning out for the last six issues, so for this issue, we decided it’d be cool to throw in some weird running facts throughout the horoscope so you feel like you learned something and didn’t just roll your eyes and say, ‘These fuckin’ guys.’
ARIES
(March 21-April 19)
Aries! This month, you will learn new exercises to help correct your supinating gait. Did you know running not only reduces your risk of dying from cardiovascular disease, but it also decreases the risk of your dying from any other ailment by 27%? It’s true!
TAURUS
(April 20-May 20)
This is a terrific month for Taureans who are considering joining a new running club and making new friends! Do it! Also, did you know running strengthens your bones? Over time, your bones respond to the incessant rhythmic impact by increasing density. Isn’t that incredible?
GEMINI
(May 21-June 20)
Gemini, it’s only good news this month. You’ll meet someone at a party who also runs! Isn’t that crazy? Even crazier: an estimated 24 Billion running shoes are produced each year, but only 621.16 Million people actually run. Makes you think.
CANCER
(June 21-July 22)
Cancer! Welcome to February! This month you will beat your previous distance record by five kilometers! Hurray! And did you know studies have shown that long-distance runners are more likely to receive promotions in the workplace? It’s true! Look it up!
LEO
(July 23-August 22)
Leo! This month will see you reaching a long-dreamt-of running goal. For some, it might be an ultramarathon, for others it could be a 5k, but did you know Jim Walmsley is related to Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson? He is!
VIRGO
(August 23-September 22)
Keep an eye on your mileage this month, dear Virgo. Now is not the time to push your luck by increasing your load. Did you know less than 600 people have run a marathon on the world’s seven continents? That’s kind of crazy, right? You’d think it’d be more.
LIBRA
(September 23-October 22)
Libras who have been patiently waiting for their shin splints to clear up will notice their shin splints clearing up later this month. Speaking of trauma, Jim Walmsley is allergic to bamboo. He can’t touch it. Breaks out in hives. Look it up.
SCORPIO
(October 23-November 21)
This is a fantastic month for Scorpios to get out there and meet new people in the running sphere. Now’s the time to join a new club or even start a run club of your own! Fun fact: roughly 15 billion activities are shared on Strava each week. WOW!
SAGITARIUS
(November 22-December 21)
Sagittarians born around the 30th of November will be pleasantly surprised this month when they qualify for Boston. Meanwhile, Jim Walmsley was a suspect in the D.B. Cooper Hijacking case. It’s true. They thought he was the guy. He wasn’t, though.
CAPRICORN
(December 22-January 19)
Capricorn! Did you know Jim Walmsley is afraid of puppets? He is. They freak him out.
AQUARIUS
(January 20-February 18)
Like, if he was on the Titanic and there was only one lifeboat left, he wouldn’t get in it if there was a puppet. He’d seriously go down with the ship. He told me that.
PISCES
(February 19-March 20)
Every single Piscean in the world will come down with planta this month. Don’t shoot the messenger! Ha-ha. Jim Walmsley.
